And We Have Our First Broken Bone

Early morning, Saturday June 29th, my youngest, Emma was playing basketball with my husband and jammed her finger. Immediate tears ensued. How many times have you seen or heard of fingers being jammed playing sports? If you've been around active kids, it's plenty, I'm sure. I know I jammed a finger or two many different times as a kid playing basketball or practicing tae kwon do and all we ever did was use some athletic tape to buddy tape the injured finger to the next one and went about our day.

Well, by Sunday evening it was all sorts of pink & purple at all three knuckle joints and quite swollen. Add to that a super irritable personality (which is so not her). Fun....not! So I thought I'd take her to get it x-rayed at a Close to Home Children's Urgent Care. We arrived about 1 hour before closing time and the place was empty. Small miracle, for sure.

I was convinced they would just say "continue with the buddy tape." But, before long we were handed a copy of an xray. Sure enough, broken. At this point it's about 10 minutes after closing and in walks two nurses. One oversaw the other putting a splint. Mid splint, the doctor peeked his head in the room and said "goodnight" to the nurses. After the door closed, we were told (mid splint, mind you) "this is her first time putting one of these on.

Let me just say....I'm all for people learning, but after this experience when it comes to my baby and a broken bone....give me the professional. Keep reading, you'll see.

So, the splint is done and they sent us on our way with instructions to follow up with her pediatrician. Along with instructions for not getting it wet, meaning no swimming. No swimming is such a bummer summer. Let's just say, I've never been more thankful for daily rain showers than I have been this last 10 days. Twelve inches in 10 days and they are calling for 2-4 more today. I digress.

We called the pediatrician Monday morning and we were referred to an orthopedist at Children's Hospital. Scheduled for one week out, Monday July 8.

We went about our day Monday, handled bath time like we'd be doing this awkward thing all the days of her life, and all was well in the world.

Until Tuesday morning.

My girl woke up freaked out in the worst way because her splint had come off. You would have thought it was the end of the world. I quickly got her dressed and took her to Urgent Care at the main hospital. First thing we heard from the nurse was "who did her splint?" Um, well, funny you should ask. And so the story was told of our less-than-ideal experience less than 36 hours earlier.

So we waited, and I kept Emma content by handing over a marker to draw on the paper cover.

Soon we spoke with the doctor who pulled up her xray from our first visit. It was then we learned, it's not just broken in one place but three. The nurse reassured me, "Don't worry mom, we'll fix her right up and things will be good as new and this splint will stay on until you see the orthopedist on Monday." She debated on reusing the already formed hard Orthoglass splint, when I politely asked that she not, but instead start from square one. She changed the splint to an aluminum splint and wrapped it half-way up her arm with an ace wrap. Before leaving the room she asked if she wanted a popsicle for the ride home.

Um, if you know Emma at all, you know the answer to that question is ALWAYS a yes! We left with a new splint and a popsicle for breakfast....and feeling confident that this one would absolutely stay put until Monday.

Monday, late afternoon, I get a call saying she's complaining of the web of skin between her thumb and index finger feeling raw. We agreed to slap a band-aid on to cushion it and call it good. She was happy with that provision and went about her evening. Come bedtime, out of nowhere she starts sobbing hysterically saying her hand hurts. After looking at it, we see that it's red and angry. We immediately removed the wrap to find her hand under the wrap entirely purple. *sigh* Her circulation is being cut off.

At this point, she's coming unglued and won't let me touch it, so we pack her back in the car at 9:30pm and take her back to the same Urgent Care--twice in the same day--to have it done for the third time. Somehow, in her mind, a stranger doing it is better than mommy touching it. We heard once again from a nurse "who did your splint?" in a questioning way as if to say "wow, they really botched this." Because reliving this third trip is mentally and emotionally exhausting, let's just say that we got back in the car after that third visit, sat in the parking lot and both just sobbed. It looked like a 2 year old had splinted it for her in their sleep. A mega mess and Emma was none too pleased. She begged me to take her somewhere else.

We got back home and I calmly told her I'm going wrap this thing myself. So, I did. And guess what? It stayed on the entire week and didn't come off until we saw the Orthopedist on Monday. Yes, I'm awesome. *ahem* (in her eyes, anyway) She repeatedly told me several times each day "thank you for doing a good splint mommy." Each time the stress of it all melted away a little more.

We won't talk about the drama of my infusion July 3, in which I had a reaction....AGAIN....to the medication and had to have an excess of IV Benadryl and steriods. The one that was supposed to take 30 minutes, but ended up more toward the 3-hour mark. The one where I was pretty much dead to the world for the past week from exhaustion. Yeah, we won't talk about that.

So where does that put us? Right. That brings us to the next Monday--July 8. We arrive at the Children's Hospital Orthopedist office---which is a zoo---get checked in and wait our turn. The whole while I'm saying prayers of thanksgiving that it's just her pinky and not her entire leg or arm...or both.

After being brought back to the exam room, we wait some more because they don't have our x-rays or any history from any of our Urgent Care visits. Hello!?! Look in the computer, people. That's why we stick with the same network of facilities so we don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. After this being our fourth visit for this pinky finger my patience meter is pretty much depleted.

The nurse removes the splint, and leaves the room. Just looking at the bruising, Emma starts to panic and is afraid she's going to "toss her cookies." She's definitely not a fan of blood or injuries. This of course, sends Ashlyn into a sensory tailspin (remember her aversion to seeing/hearing/talking about someone about to get sick?). It wasn't long before we were greeted by a resident with a medical student tag-a-long. This isn't new to us since we've spent much time at Children's over the years and are very familiar with the fact that it's a teaching hospital. They both look it over, tell us it's broken in one place (hello, did the two other breaks miraculously heal overnight?) and tell us they'll either re-splint it or cast it, the doctor would make the final call. So we wait.

The doctor comes in, says they'll re-splint it for a week along with a what will come next, except mid-sentence he stops, opens the air-conditioning controls and adjusts the temperature and gripes about it being too warm and leaves the room. He was in our room for less than 2 minutes. The patient care tech then comes in with splint materials and starts measuring and cutting the metal splint down to size with giant scissors. He may know more than me about those scissors, but with each of the five cuts he made metal was fly across the room. I was praying a piece wouldn't hit one of us.

Once the splint was done, I was concerned with the minimal wrap that was on it and the fact that it wasn't supporting the proximal knuckle joint at all. I was also concerned the unwrapped portion would catch on clothing or a blanket and be ripped off affecting the fracture even more. He was much displeased with my questioning and rather rudely started to usher us back into the room to re-do it just to make me happy.

Within seconds, the doctor was back in the room asking what the problem was and then rudely told me the finger was only broken at the medial joint. I let him know that's odd because of what we'd be told the three other visits we've had for this same finger. I left feeling incredibly inferior at the whole experience of that visit and still wasn't convinced.....I mean how hard is it to look at the radiology report? Three doctors all looking at the same report telling me three different things? How can that happen?

Before leaving the tech who splinted it made it known that he's been doing this a long time and it will be just fine, it won't fall off, and he'd see us back next Monday.

We go home, I check out of life for the evening and remind myself it could be worse.

Tuesday morning, 7am, I'm sound asleep as she throws herself on my bed, sobbing the kind of sob you only hear when something is terribly wrong. Bleary eyed, I get up and calm her down enough to understand what she has to say and realize.......the splint fell off.........AGAIN! Are you freaking kidding me?

At this point, I'm cautious around every turn because surely this is a set-up that the whole world is in on, except me, including the producers and cast of Punk'd. If they are ever looking for good material, the last week and a half would certainly be in the running.

We all get ready, I look up the hours of operation for the Orthopedist, and make it there the minute they open. I walked in the door without an appointment and calmly asked for a Patient Advocate. Within minutes I was ushered back into an exam room while the girls went to a private family restroom. Minutes later they both get to the room and are sobbing. Turns out they turned the handle to get out of the bathroom and it fell off in their hand, keeping them locked on the inside with no way to get out. *sigh* Once they calmed down we then proceeded to tell the advocate and the hand-specialist nurse the whole run-down of our experience with this finger starting from the visit to the first Urgent Care.

To make this crazy, almost-unbelievable situation I'm recounting a bit shorter, they decided to start at square one and do brand new x-rays. After x-rays, THREE breaks were confirmed....so no miraculous healing....and a new doctor decided that it needed a hard plaster cast for 3 weeks. Surely the first thought that comes to a momma's mind when hearing the words 'hard.plaster.cast.' isn't 'Hallelujah!', but HALLELUJAH! LOL.

Surely a hard plaster cast cannot and will not fall off and we can finally be done with this drama.

She ended up with a 'waterproof' cast. Instead of the normal cotton material on the inside, she was wrapped with a water wicking material that keeps sweat and water away from the skin. She can shower with it and get it wet in the swimming pool for up to 30-40 minutes a day.

She chose pink, which didn't surprise me at all, and is rather pleased with how it looks. She only had minimal pain while it was being set because of the way they had to form the bend in the cast to shape it.

She was instructed to let the cast set for 24 hours before letting anyone sign it. The 24-hour wait about killed her. LOL. Afterall, she is my social butterfly and she even worried about there not being enough room for all her friends and family to sign. Too cute.

This morning, once again at 6am she was throwing herself on top of me while I was peacefully sleeping, but this time she was eager with anticipation of making it to summer camp for her friends to sign her cast. She wanted me to know she was awake and got herself dressed. She was worried about her outfit matching and excitedly told me she got baker's twine from my studio and tied up the lid of her Sharpie marker to it so she could wear it as a necklace all day.

Gosh, this kid. She's cute.

I'm pleased to say that she is happy as a lark, the cast hasn't slowed her down and has a sweet smile back on her face now that she doesn't have to worry when the next time a splint will fall off.  She came home after just a few hours at summer camp with nearly every spot on that cast covered with well-wishes and friends' names on it.

I'm thankful for her sweet disposition. I'm also thankful that it shines through so much in these photos I've taken throughout the whole ordeal that others notice it too. But even more thankful that she's resilient and in a short while won't even remember medical inconvenience.

All I have left to say is that never in my life, more than right now, have I wanted one of those random "Tell Us About Your Visit" surveys to land in my mailbox.

perfecting grace...

you know by now that i have two daughters......both with chronic issues. the oldest of the two, my beautiful ashlyn, is 9, and my sweet baby, spidergirl (emma), is 6.

a brief background for those who haven't been around here:
ashlyn has: sensory integration dysfunction, pediatric migraine (anxiety/sensory related), enlarged adenoids, and Morphea

emma has: 4 previous surgeries (ear tubes, adenoids, tonsils & adenoid revision, second set of tubes), severe environmental allergies causing allergic reactive asthma, weekly immunotherapy injections for said allergies, and severe acid reflux.

so, now that brings me to why i haven't been around this little space i have here on the net except to share scrapbooking projects. it's because we've literally been at the doctor every weekday for the last two weeks except for one day---my head is still spinning from it all.

silly as it sounds, i regain clarity of thought one keystroke at a time by turning to writing as a means to decompress. so, here we go.....

we've been seeing specialists right at Children's hospital for a better look into why some issues are unresolved even after long-term treatments and to gather a second opinion on others because not everyone we were seeing before were docs who were specifically pediatric doctors.

i had a nagging feeling that we needed a second opinion for ashlyn's Morphea and an unrelated surgery to remove her adenoids that the Ear, Nose, Throat doctor was recommending. surgery just because they are large? i wasn't buying it.

two fridays ago was one such visit for a second opinion--we saw rheumatology for ashlyn. we saw rheumatology for a few reason....one being that she's been complaining about knee/leg stiffness after sitting, and two she's been on oral chemo for 15 months now with no improvements really.

i walked in with the confidence that they'd just confirm the diagnosis, confirm that we were doing the right thing, and we'd be on our way with some peace of mind.

instead, we left there--3 1/2 hours later--with the knowledge that over half of the area we've always been told (by her dermatologist) was Morphea is actually looking/acting more like Linear Scleroderma because it's more than skin deep and affecting her ligaments/muscle.

she has both diseases in the same area.

linear scleroderma is not what i wanted to hear. so now what?

they will also follow the depth that the disease has affected via ultrasound in the coming year as well as take measurements to make sure it isn't shortening the length of her affected leg.

they suggest that she isn't being treated aggressively enough with oral Methotrexate and want her to do a 2-3 hour infusion Methotrexate (chemotherapy) once a week for 8 weeks at the hospital, then go to injectable Methotrexate. :(

but remember....she also needs to have her adenoids removed so we can't start infusions until after surgery/recovery sometime in August. which puts treatment into the school season and the beginning of sick season.......and at this point my mind is reeling with all the 'what ifs'.

i'd be lying to say that i'm not freaking out about hooking my child up to chemo infusions.

i left that appointment feeling numb. that's a lot of information to digest after a weeks worth of other appointments....and after going in with the confidence that i did.

and hello? this wasn't a private conversation behind closed doors....this was all discussed right in front of her. she fell apart.

the monday after we had the second opinion about the adenoids and the response was a resounding 'yes it needs done' and a turbinate reduction. she fell apart all over again.

the week prior to all this we were at the Children's hospital (we pretty much live there lately) to see a GI specialist for emma for persistent severe reflux (diagnosed by barium swallow) even after being on an adult dose of medications. they are suspecting esinophilic esophagitis which will be confirmed by endoscopy and biopsies of her esophagus, stomach and small intestine under general anethesia--as soon as i schedule it.

we were at the ENT this past wednesday for emma too, because she's had a hoarse voice for 2 months solid again--most times she has no voice at all by the end of the day. the doctor attempted to place a camera up her nose to view her vocal cords to see how much inflammation and erosion there is from the reflux but she was too upset.

so this coming friday we get to see a voice/swallow specialist at the Ohio State University Medical Hospital.

and if that wasn't/isn't enough, we landed ourselves with with a 3 hour visit to cardiology last friday--you guessed it, at children's hospital--because she's had a murmur since birth and has had a handful of pounding/racing heartbeats. the pediatrician thought it needed checked. even though her heart audibly sounded fine to the doctor, her EKG is abnormal showing some issues with the right side of her heart. thankfully an echocardiogram of her heart that day didn't match up with the EKG. :)

we left there with a recording device to capture her heart rhythm any time it happens over the next 30 days. we can handle that.

and in the middle of all that chaos, i had a followup bloodwork after starting methotrexate myself for rheumatoid arthritis. at the visit i was bumped up to a higher dose, got more bloodwork, then the next day got a call saying don't bump up because my liver enzymes are elevated.

*sigh*

i'd like to think that i'm learning more and more with each appointment to let go and trust God with the outcome of these situations. the awesome thing about medical care is that we have the ability to say NO--but also at the complete risk of being detrimental to their health.

we're making hard decisions over here as God perfects His image of grace through us.

and i can now say with confidence, that He had a definite purpose for me being enrolled in a Nursing program years ago. without a doubt it's so i could be educated enough in the medical field to be a strong advocate for my children as we deal with these special medical needs.

unexpected detours. i'm convinced they are always blessings in disguise.

and now.......my brain can officially move onto documenting the more fun things we've been up to in july. as soon as i edit the photos. it feels good to be back into the routine of blogging.

i've missed it.

things aren't perfect....

and they are almost never what they seem. am i right?

i have to remind myself of that often. do you?

*i'm imagining you all nodding your head yes right now. :)*

you see....my blog is a place where i can share and inspire and paint a (mostly) happy picture of what goes on in my crazy-busy chaotic life. where i try to find the positive in every situation. i love that part of blogging. that's why we all read blogs right? to be inspired.

that's why i hop around, anyway, to look & read & be inspired--gives me time to escape my reality for a while.

but, lately, i've been feeling like something's missing in my blog readings. i find myself wondering what life is really like for all these women who seem to have achieved perfection in everything they do. i'm craving for people to be more raw and transparent. and am reminded that i promised to do the same just a year ago.

since i don't keep a hand-written journal, blogging is my way of recording life for my children. and i feel like i'd be doing my girls a disservice to not share the hard stuff.

so today, i'm gonna practice some transparency. are you ready for this?

lately, there's something at war inside of me. something that i keep stuffing down. i know everyone struggles with something...but no one ever talks about it. why is that?

when i don't read (or hear) about anyone struggling i get this distorted perception and feel like maybe i'm the only one--even though i know the truth. but, somehow not being able to relate makes me struggle even more. it's a vicious circle, ya know.

i find myself playing victim to the chaos that surrounds me--the hand of cards that i've been dealt. oh how easy it is to play victim. am i right?

thinking things like...

it's not fair to have medically fragile children.

it's not fair that i have to live in this kind of pain every day with my back.

it's not fair that......(fill in the blank)

when those thoughts start going through my head that's when i know i'm in over my head and i better hold on for the emotional ride that's to follow.

i'm old enough to know that life just isn't fair. and i'm also wise enough to know that the circumstances we deal with could be SO much worse than they are. i try my absolute hardest to turn every negative into a positive---those who have read here for any length of time know that.

i also try not to let on as to how desperately i'm crying "MERCY". (on a daily basis. oy!)

why? i don't really know exactly.

not because i'm trying to hide anything that's for sure. but, maybe just maybe, because no one else ever talks about the hard stuff. i suppose it feels sorta 'taboo'.

but today, i just feel like it needs to be said.

when every little obstacle in front of me seems like a gigantic mountain to overcome, and seems nearly impossible to climb i have to make a conscious effort to remember that everyone struggles. sure it does seem like some struggle more than others.

but i have to admit, i get a little angry and resentful when i have to ask myself "why does no one ever talk about their struggles?"

angry at whom? i don't know. the world, i suppose.

here's my point....twenty-ten was all over the place. there was lots of excitement, but lots of bumps along the way. bumps that feel like they'll never be smoothed out.

ashlyn's anxiety and sensory issues have hit an all-time high. when she was younger her little quirky ways were more easily overlooked and dare i say, some of these quirks were even a little 'cute.'

she was diagnosed with sensory defensiveness at the age of 3 1/2. for those of you not familiar, wikipedia defines sensory defensiveness as:

a condition defined as having "a tendency to react negatively or with alarm to sensory input which is generally considered harmless or non-irritating"

she's intolerant to quite a list of things. some she's become more tolerable to, other's she's learned to remove herself from the intolerant stimuli, and lots of other things she still doesn't know how to handle so she's developed anxiety.

anywho. she's getting older now and the anxiety that has a grip on her is causing an uncomfortable friction in our house. her anxiety makes her moody and irritable. difficult to reason with. difficult to get along with. makes her unable to be in a room by herself. unable to fall asleep in her own bed. and, about twice a week leaves her with debilitating headaches---recently diagnosed as pediatric migraines.

she's starting to realize that something about her is different than her peers.

i'm finding myself thinking....'she is SO not pleasant to be around'--most of the time. i love her, love her, love her, love her.......gosh, she can't even fathom how much i love her. but, i don't always like being around her.

and, i'm just now to a point where i don't feel guilty saying something like that.

for years i've buried guilt over feeling this way, deep inside. it's like the old saying 'hate the sin, not the sinner.' i don't not like her, i just don't like the hold that anxiety has on her life and as a result makes us all on edge and miserable.

i can literally feel a surge of adrenaline rush through my body the second i step out of my car coming home from work and walk into the house.

it's like i don a cloak of stress instantaneously.

add to that the moderately severe daily pain i'm in with my back, of which doctors can't find a suitable way to manage until surgery, and you have one crazy cocktail. :(

last week, i was down to my last nerve and felt all sorts of crazy when the stress of it all seemed to nearly boil over.

i wanted to run away. :(

have you ever felt so beyond stressed that you felt numb? that's how i felt. i've decided that it's a scary way to feel.

the stress of all this has been building and building over the past 6 months and as a result---i call it a survival/defense mechanism---doug and i have been bickering and arguing more than ever.

in reality we aren't fighting with each other, we're just taking out frustrations on each other.

it's mostly me being moody (from all the pain meds) and frustrated (dealing (not so well) with ashlyn).

i'm a problem solver and i don't have the answers to fix it and make it all better. i feel weak and out of control. depression is trying tighten it's grip on me and i'm fighting it harder than ever.

if you haven't guessed by now, i'm scared.

and feeling really vulnerable right now. replaceable even.

here's the truth of it all:

• i love her. (if there was ever a question)
• i want only the best for her.
• every day i walk into my house i want it to feel like my safe place, instead it feels like a warzone. ashlyn's reaction to nearly everything has all of us constantly on edge. we argue. we discipline. we appologize. we overstep boundaries. repeat. repeat. repeat.
  

• i can't say anything to her at all without her irrationally getting upset. this starts from the second she wakes up in the morning.

• i'm finding myself getting impatient with her more often than not. walking away and counting to 10 does not work at all.
• i fear failure in a huge way. and not being able to 'fix' her anxiety makes me feel like a huge failure as a parent. which is just a lie. i know this to be true. but it's a lie that i can't seem to let go of.
  
• my marriage is taking a beating from the constant stress.

• i'm the world's best at beating myself up over every little shortcoming. can you imagine how this feels?
• parenting a special needs child is SO exhausting.....mentally, emotionally & physically.
  

so, obviously i don't have it all figured out.

i putting this out there in hopes that maybe one of my readers has dealt with a child with extreme anxiety &/or a child with sensory defensiveness that might be able to lead me to some information on how to parent a child like this.

because, i feel like i've tried it all.
there is nothing in my house that should feel as threatening as she thinks things are. :(
and i'm struggling....clearly ready to pull my hair out.

(sidenote: she is being evaluated further for the migraines with a CT scan next Wednesday & we have a behavioral health consult in the works too.)

(this post has been edited, only to correctly my typographical errors)

these people...

this girl....


this boy, and this girl.....

and this girl....


they are my rock right now. my foundation. my pillars of strength. through thick and thin, they; encourage me. inspire me. uplift me. soften me. and challenge me to live life more abundantly even in the face of adversity.

as you might have guessed by my lack of personal sharing and abundance of scrapbook shares, there's a lot on my plate lately.

when that happens, i tend to pull into myself, i become emotional, and introverted. i feel vulnerable in the worst way right now. introverting is a defense mechanism, i know.

truth is......we are struggling right now. i'm usually an open book, but i've kept quite a bit of our medical struggles to myself the past 2 months.

i'm too exhausted to detail it, so all, i'm going to say now is:

in the past 40 days we've been to the doctor 15 times. FIFTEEN.
2 skin cancer appts for ashlyn
2 MRIs for me
3 neurology appts for me
1 EEG for me
1 primary appt for me (got strep throat)
2 primary appts for the girls (one with strep)
3 blood draws to monitor chemo level & liver enzymes for ashlyn
1 flu shot for ashlyn

and i've been to the pharmacy just as many times.

and there are more on the horizon. in fact, we'll be back for one Monday morning, unless we head to the ER before then. spidergirl is struggling right now. but still with a smile on her face.


if it wasn't for her smile, i'd be a basket-case by now.

if you're the praying type, we could really use your prayers right now. i'm having a really hard time staying positive and not getting overwhelmed on how we're going to make ends meet.

these doctors all expect their co-pays up front. $30 a pop. times FIFTEEN. in just over a month.

i didn't chose this path of medical chaos for my family. but, God did.

there is a reason.

i've yet to figure it out. but history has always revealed a reason for every other trial. i learned long ago to expected the unexpected and know that {unexpected} detours are always a part of the journey. i just wish the detours weren't so turbulent.

i'm SO ready to get out of the valley and start living on the mountaintop. anytime now.

ps.....thanks for letting me be open and honest. i'm working on not introverting and being more transparent.

perfectly orchestrated. even the bad stuff.

i feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be a patient of Dr. Charles Noble III. he's my cardiologist and seriously, he's a doctor like no other i've ever met. his entire being is nothing but compassionate and he has a sincere passion for educating and empowering his patients to live the best life they possibly can. i've had a heart condition, diagnosed at age 20, and been his patient ever since.

back in April, i blogged about going in to get results from the 30-day heart monitor i had to wear and leaving that visit with an invitation to be involved in a study group for 3 months. a cardiac rehabilitation of sorts with an end goal of improved cardiac health & being medication-free within 3-6 months.

coming from a family with prevalent heart disease, that decided to settle in and stay away a while in my own body, i was completely encouraged that i was chosen to be a part of this pilot study when i got the heart monitor results.

i was so ready to play an active role in improving my cardiac health.

if you've read for any length of time you'll remember my mom died of heart disease at the age of 50. so this program is seriously, like, a big deal for me. to say i was excited to be invited, would be a gross understatement. i seriously didn't want to wait another day to start.

it was supposed to start in May, then May came and went. the new start date was June, and well, that came and went. and i started to get discouraged.

it got postponed to July. but they were still working out the logistics of the program funding. i'll admit, i kinda let go of the excitement with the increase in back pain i've been having and decided that if it came to the point of needing surgery, before this program was ready to roll, then that's what i was going to do.

as ya'll know, the neurosurgeon wanted another diagnostic procedure first. i got results from that test 2 days before the program started----which were, positive for 2 discs needing a spinal fusion, but inconclusive for the third. in the meantime, they did another MRI and found a protrusion compressing my spinal cord in my mid back. all this means, before surgery, i have to repeat that discogram again, with 4-6 discs being injected this time.

definitely not what i wanted to hear. but in reality, repeating the discogram is the best way to ensure i don't have a failed surgery. i haven't decided on scheduling just yet. i'm still coming to terms with my options.

in the meantime, the cardiology program was ready to roll. it FINALLY started last week! so, i've now gotten 6 sessions in.

why does it make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world?

well, besides the fact that my doctor is better than the best, there were only 7 of his patients invited into this program, along with 20 of his staff members.

in this program, i have a fully-paid 3 month membership to Lifetime Fitness, a 24/7 facility, with a personal trainer. how awesome is that!?

prior to the program starting i underwent pre-program...

• Metabolic Testing
• Fasting Lipid & Fasting Blood Sugar Testing
• Weight & Measurements

and throughout the program i'll undergo strength & flexibility testing, in additional to the endurance challenge of every session.

at program end, i'll undergo the same testing as pre-program and hopefully be OFF my heart medication! heck yeah!

i'll have you know.....on wednesday, i walked 2.56 miles in 49 minutes, doing interval training meaning the incline changed throughout the workout from 2.0 to 10.0 with arm strengthing/weight lifting exercises throughout the walk. and it's not to say it wasn't pain-free---because is was nothing of the sort.

in fact, yesterday....i couldn't do even a mile because my right leg became temporarily paralyized during a light jog in session 6. story of my life really. i literally could not move my leg for 10 minutes. definitely something to keep your pride in check.

but wednesday's session....that's HUGE people. huge.

especially considering on august 15th, i couldn't walk from one side of the mall to the other without extreme pain in my right leg.

another unexpected detour.....but one i'm thankful to be on.

just another reminder to me that God is with me always. had it not been for me having more episodes of my heart skipping beats, i would have never gone in to see my cardiologist. had i not gone to see him, i wouldn't have had this opportunity extended to me to strengthen my heart...and the bonus of strengthening my core. and let's not forget losing a few pounds in the process. which just might get me healthy enough to not feel so much pain in my back/leg. which might just mean i don't have to put my body through hell with a three level spinal fusion.

everything happens for a reason. perfectly orchestrated. even the bad stuff. i'm sure of it.

*********

the neurologist i was referred to this week for the headaches/double & blurred vision scheduled me for an MRI of the brain. this coming thursday. thank you for the concerned emails.

unexpected detours. part 5

a few years ago, i started a project called Unexpected Detours that included Love Letters to my girls. something that i could give them when they are old enough to appreciate them...haven't decided yet when that will be. graduation, maybe. or when they get married. some of the events we've talked about, but they can't fully appreciate with their young, innocent minds.

i've always wondered what life was like during those first years of marriage for my parents and the early child-rearing years. what caused them to struggle most, what carried them through. i think about stuff like that a lot.

as a parent, i know you try to shield your children from struggles and heartache, but i also know that it's important to encourage them to keep pressing on and then teach them what it was that pulled you through. so for now, we shield them from things they are too young to understand and write love letters instead so that we can look back and see God's hand guiding our family.

have you ever just sat to think about how you got to be exactly where you are now? i know i'm only 32, but i've done some pretty incredible things during those years.......and also been on some very unexpected detours. all of which have molded me into the person i am today. never in a million years as a 16 year old girl graduating highschool did i think i would be making a living creating art. never.

a pleasant unexpected detour.

anywho. for this project i decided to write some lessons i've learned in the form of Love Letters to my girls about those Unexpected Detours. 2 years ago, i shared them, in parts, here on my blog---that was back when i was blogging privately for family only.

it's been on my heart a lot lately to write more letters as there have certainly been many more unexpected detours in the last two years. until then, i found one last part from the first series in my 'drafts' folder and wanted to post it.

Part 5: Motherhood.

Dear Ashlyn & Emma,

There is a quote that says.....

Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but still brings boredom, exhaustion and sorrow too. Nothing else will ever make you as happy, or sad, as proud, or as tired for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality—especially while you struggle to keep your own. –author unknown

This author hit the nail on the head.

Motherhood is definitely more challenging and exhausting than I ever imagined. Nothing has ever tested my patience or endurance more. The thing I struggle with most as a mother is trying to maintain balance. I am constantly juggling relationships, family and commitments, all the while, trying to maintain my own identity. As a mother, I always find time to nurture and protect my family, but struggle to find time to nurture ME! I oftentimes feel my title should be Superwoman. Why is that? Why can’t I keep up with it all? Why are there days that I take my responsibility for granted?

I never expected that there would be days I wouldn’t want to be a mother. I never expected that I would take my responsibilities for granted. No one ever tells you motherhood is exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. How's come? Every single day comes with unique and new challenges--ones that I often don’t want to face. But then the Lord gently reminds me that I’m not in this alone.

Life Lesson to Learn:
Allow God to quench your thirst. Look to Him to help discern necessities. Ask Him to set your priorities. Let Him be the constant, continual presence in your life. He is ALL you need, no matter the situation. Let Him in and let Him mold you into the godly woman that He wants you to be. There is never, ever, ever more given to you than you can handle. With God ALL things are possible. He promised…..it is up to you to believe His precious promise.

From all of these experiences, the things I most want you to learn:

Trust in the Lord and in Him alone!
Claim His promises!
and
Expect the Unexpected!

love, Mom.
**************
Part 1: Letter to My Girls
Part 2: Girl meets Boy
Part 3: Learning the Hard Way
Part 4: New direction. New Beginnings

unexpected detours. part 4.

remember the love letters to to my girls?
if not, you can read them here:
Part 1: Letter to My Girls
Part 2: Girl meets Boy
Part 3: Learning the Hard Way

new direction. new beginnings.
August 1999.
Daddy attended an event in the mountains. An event that is powerful than any other I’ve attended. The Prayer Advance.

A place you go to meet with God, a place to be inspired by godly men, a place to be instructed in righteousness, and a place you feeling a burning desire to seek revival in the hearts and minds of God’s people.

Daddy attended this event with an open mind and an open heart. It was at the Prayer Advance that daddy realized the reason God spared his life after that car accident the Summer of 1992. (detailed in Part 2 - link above.)

God was calling him to bigger and better things on this earth. Calling upon daddy to share his testimony. Calling on daddy to change the lives of young people. God’s desire was for daddy to use his life to spread the truth to the youth of America.

Unexpected? Yes. Willing? Absolutely.

So we started planning the next step. Daddy was going to go to college. After seeking the Lord on what steps to take next He faithfully guided us each step of the way.

Daddy was working for the government at the Franklin County Courthouse and mommy was working at the accounting firm--the same one I work at today. But in December of 1999 we both quit both our high paying jobs, packed all of our belongings and headed to Canton, OH for daddy to attended Bible College at Massillon Baptist Temple.

No jobs to lean on. No family or friends around. We were finally in the exact place that God wanted us--living on total faith and trust in Him.

Life Lesson to Learn:
God is always speaking to us, but it is up to us to listen and learn.

If you keep your heart soft and open toward the things of God, He will show you great and mighty things. He will never let you down. Money can’t buy happiness. Your job can’t buy happiness. Things can’t buy happiness. Happiness is living on total faith in God and God alone. He is the only one who can provide you happiness and meet every single one of your needs.

(to be continued...)

unexpected detours. part 3.

remember the love letters to my girls?
continued from part 1 and part 2

learning the hard way.
In high school, I was given a personality assessment test, which was supposed to tell me which field of employment would best suit me. It was supposed to help me decide on a major in college. Regardless of what this test said, I was determined there were certain jobs that I would never consider! Funny thing is, the top of my "no, never in this lifetime list" was the exact job my assessment test said I’d be perfect for.

Secretarial/office administration. (surprising, huh? not really, considering i'm an organizational freak)

EEEEK! At that time in my life, secretarial duties just weren't my cup of tea...definitely not something I’d consider doing the rest of my life. After graduating from high school at age 16 (one year early), I decided to do some paper pushing at a local insurance agency. This job definitely confirmed my feelings about secretarial work! Blech!

I wasn't quite ready to hit the college scene and definitely not ready to face the assessment square in the face and accept the results. I was bound and determined to do what I wanted to do--major in Nursing. I enrolled at Columbus State Community College and was on track to finish all prerequisites for their Nursing program. I was accepted to the program the first time I applied, and after one year of prerequisites, I officially entered the nursing program. By this time, daddy and I were married. Despite the perfect driving arrangements daddy and I had taking our only vehicle to work--which was only a block away from each other in downtown Columbus, on the same 8-5, Mon-Fri shift, I felt the best thing was to accept a position at Grant Medical Center. What better way to comprehend all I'm learning in college than to have hands on experience in the workplace?

My schedule became extremely hectic. Now I was working three 12 hr shifts and taking 18 credit hours in college. Working on the med/surg floor at the hospital was a real eye-opener.

Very exhausting mentally, physically and especially emotionally.

I barely had time to catch my breath between work, school and home-life. It quickly took a toll on my health. In the first 4 months of trying to keep up with this schedule, I lost 30 lbs. Then, all the other problems started. While at work, I would often get weak and shaky. No time to rest or even complain since I was dealing with patients who were in much worse shape than myself. A major reality check to call a code blue, clean deep, deep wounds, work in respiratory care, or even prepare the deceased for processing at the morgue. I truly believe the Lord was giving me subtle hints all along my way trying to let me know this wasn't HIS plan for my life. All the while, I was ignoring all the hints.

In total denial, I would convince myself that nothing was wrong. I was in perfect health right? Doing what I always wanted to do. What is wrong with me?

One day I couldn't ignore the symptoms anymore. At work I finally told someone of my symptoms while in the midst of experiencing them. They sat me down and took my blood pressure--it was 140/112 with a pulse of 124. YIKES! They immediately called a code and had 30 doctors rushing to my attention. I remember asking them to call my husband because I felt like I was going to die. I ended up being ordered to bed rest for the weekend.

No problem. A little rest and I’ll be all better. Hopefully.

I was up to go to work again Monday morning and I had the same experience. I called the squad and went right back to the hospital. All tests were inconclusive. I replayed this situation several times over the next few weeks. Tests here, tests there. Visit to the cardiologist. Heart Monitoring 24-7 for 30 days.

So, after months of unexplained racing heartbeat and wearing a heart monitor they discovered a heart condition. Supraventricular Tachycardia. Requires surgical repair. After agreeing to the EP study and cardiac ablation, I had the procedure done, only to be told they can't ablate (or burn) the extra circuit to correct the problem with a risk of doing permanent damage with an end result of a pacemaker at 20! Treatment plan: medication, a major lifestyle change and a medical leave of absence for 3 months. At the end of that time, my physician still wouldn't release me back to that position. No more Nursing school for me.

Funny thing is, my first job back to the workforce after all this--a secretarial job at an accounting firm...hahhahhaaa...so glad the Lord has a sense of humor. Yet another unexpected detour. One that took me off the original path that God intended for me, but His loving arms brought me back to the road I needed to be on to go in the right direction.

Another lesson learned.

Life Lesson to Learn:
Learn from my mistakes.
Seek God’s face and die to self wants/desires. Daily.

God already knows the course of your life. He has big plans in store for you. Take the time to seek His face and seek His guidance on what you are supposed to do with your life.

(to be continued...)

witness to a miracle.

today, God performed a miracle right before my eyes.

i was driving back from an appointment with emma. on 270 E, just past US 23 heading toward Alum Creek Drive. the weather: heavy rain. visability less than 100 yards. i'm in the far right lane and out of the corner of my left eye i see a quick flash of white about 75 yards ahead of me coming from the far left lane. as i approached it became more clear to me. a truck around the size of a Ford F150 lost control of his vehicle, veared uphill to the left toward the westbound traffic, smacked the guardrail and flipped his truck 2 or 3 times before landing it back on all 4 wheels.

i immediately slowed down enough to pull off to the road on the right and called 911. i was then asked by the dispatcher to go up to the next exit, turn around and come back to the scene to give a statement. at this point i could see a volunteer or off-duty emergency personnel checking on the driver.

for a moment i was paralyzed. i wanted to rewind that last 2 minutes and beg for a do-over. i was terrified of what i'd see when i returned. not for the fear of seeing blood or a mangled body because that stuff doesn't bother me at all, but for fear of not knowing his condition. all i could think about was "oh my goodness i was just witness to a fatal accident." and for some reason that stopped me in my tracks.

i honestly didn't know how that type of outcome would affect me for days and weeks to come. i didn't think mentally i could deal with knowing that it was a fatality.

so as i drove the thoughts raced back and forth. do i go back, do i not, do i go back, do i not?

somewhere along the way from leaving the berm to forge ahead to the next exit and turn around to go back to the scene, i no longer had those thoughts and i was on autopilot. it was as if God literally took control of my hands and my car and plopped me right back down at the scene. i have to laugh thinking i was the game piece up for a turn and He rolled the dice and just picked me up and plopped me right back down where He needed me to be. cause that is exactly what it felt like.

and i am so very thankful that He did.

i do remember that i didn't go all the way to the next exit----that exit seemed forever far away. instead i felt a comfort knowing that just this one time it would be okay to ignore that no U-turn sign.

His guidance amazes me.
His timing is nothing short of impeccable perfection.

why do i say that? because i arrived back at the scene at the EXACT moment they were assisting the driver out of the passanger side door of the truck----the entire drivers side of the truck was smashed to smitherines.

the driver WALKED to the ambulance with nothing but a small cut on his ear.

and here i sit amazed that God allowed me to bear witness to a miracle. i needed to see that miracle today. God is real people. and He is still in the business of performing miracles. i know. cause i witnessed one today.

unexpected detours. part 2

love letters to my girls. (continued from here)

girl meets boy.
Daddy and mommy met through a series of unexpected events, yet perfectly orchestrated by our loving Heavenly Father.

It was summer 1992. Mommy was involved with the youth group of Jersey Baptist Church and dating a young fellow named Aaron. During this particular summer, the youth of Jersey and the youth of New Life came together on a weekly basis for a vacation bible school of sorts called RIOT (Radical Impact on Teens). It was at a RIOT gathering that I met Eric. Eric and Aaron had become friends though various activities between the two churches, but this was my first time meeting Eric. Eric and Aaron would often share prayer requests with each other and sing praises for answered prayers.

I remember one gathering in particular. Eric was very distraught and out of character. When asked what was wrong he just said pray. Pray for Doug.

June 1992.
I-70E/Livingston Avenue Curve.
Driving home from a tennis outing traffic came to a screeching halt. Not unusual for the time of day at the Livingston curve. Out of nowhere, a businessman not familiar with the area came barreling around the curve.

BAM!
At 50mph an oversized SUV slammed square into the back of Doug’s vehicle.

Airbags deployed.
Steering column ripped away, bent and contorted…practically kissing the driver’s side window.
External injuries—none.

Days later….
Unexpected internal injuries are displaying their symptoms. After urinating pure blood, Doug is admitted to Mt. Carmel East hospital. During his stay, his lungs collapse causing the doctors to place him on a respirator. Due to agitation and trying to remove tubes and such, he was placed in a medically induced coma for 10 days.

Days and nights were filled with visitors. Friends. Family. Church members. Pastors. All praying. Praying for the impossible—according to medical standards.

His health condition continued to decline. Doctors gave him a 5% chance of living and told his parents to begin making arrangements for his funeral.

Back at RIOT…
I prayed. Prayed and prayed. Begged God for His mercy on this young man. RIOT ended for the summer and I lost contact with Eric. Aaron and I quit dating. Months went by and I still didn’t know the outcome…until mid-October. I was in attendance at a New Life youth activity outside playing volleyball. Then, out of nowhere, Eric comes over to me with a friend and says “I’d like you to meet somebody…this is my friend, Doug.”

Whoa!

Wait a minute. The one we prayed for? The one who wasn’t supposed to live through another night back in June?

Yep, that’s Him.

God had plans for this young man, and it wasn’t until years later that he figured them out.

Life Lesson to Learn:
Believe in the impossible.
Always believe in the power of prayer.
And KNOW that God has bigger plans in store for YOU!

God uses unexpected circumstances & situations to help guide you, to make you fall to your knees in total surrender, to reveal His plan and purpose for your life and to shed light on the path He intended for you to follow.

In the midst of the unexpected, you may not feel that God “knows” what He is allowing in your life. You may not know exactly how the unexpected plays into your life as a whole. But, know that God is in control gently guiding you on His path. This unexpected situation was a wake-up call to daddy. God’s way of getting daddy back in focus and firm reminder to him to keep His eyes on the Lord and away from worldly things. Because God has bigger plans for daddy that He has yet to reveal…

(to be continued....)

unexpected detours. part 1

i made a scrapbook album for my girls last year with love letters to them spelling out all of the unexpected detours our life has taken prior to their birth (and after) and how i saw evidence of God's mighty hand guiding us through each and every detour. i haven't ever shared any of it on my blog and quite honestly i forgot all about the album until yesterday when i was doing dishes. i suddently had a burning desire to share these lessons of life here on my blog. this album was something i had always wanted to do, but put off and put off and put off because i couldn't find that inner voice to express just the right words. (the perfectionist in me procrastinating...hahaaa) then one day, while driving i knew that i needed to find a place to stop, quick, because the words that i needed to preserve forever were flowing through my mind like a raging river.

once again, i can feel God working on my heart and wanting to soften it. as He softens it, i just need to beg for the strength and the grace i need to open myself up to heartache that i don't want to face right now---to get additional love letters down for my girls. i know of at least one unexpected detour i haven't allowed myself to find the lesson for. at least not yet.

anywho.

i am planning on asking for my blog to be printed in a hardbound book for christmas. so over the next few months i want to share these lessons here so i'll have a permanent record of it in that book.

so now that you know the history, i'll share the opening letter of the album...

Ashlyn and Emma,
Taking the time to reflect on our experiences in life, and taking the time to put together this album for you girls has been so very rewarding. It brings joy to my heart to know that in the midst of it all, expected or unexpected, challenging or not, the Lord was always right there keeping us safe and secure in His tender care.

What an awesome responsibility I have as a child of God, and as your mother. It is an overwhelming responsibility, as one of His unique creations, to share His truth with you.

The journey we call “life” hasn’t always been an easy one, or one that I fully understood, but God in his perfect timing has always been faithful to reveal His purpose to me. Just know that God uses unique and unexpected circumstances throughout your life to keep you on the straight and narrow, gently guiding you along the way, wanting you to fully trust in Him. You may not understand why you have to endure such situations as you go through them, but God does. He has your life in His hands with all the details perfectly orchestrated for you to reach the end that He intends for you.

Trust God with all of your heart, all of your mind and all of your soul. Keep your heart soft and your spirit willing to go wherever God leads. Enjoy the journey and be ready to learn great wisdom from the unexpected.

Love, mommy
(to be continued...)