Thursday, May 20, 2010

warning: this post uses the word s-t-u-p-i-d. *gasp*

double warning: this post is a little on the rambling side. i've been feeling introverted and just not quite sure what to say about life lately. then i decided to just be honest.....it's what i do best. pain sucks.

it was monday, i blinked, and now it's thursday. can someone tell me how *that* happened? it's much the same feeling i have on occassion when i realize i have two school-age girls and i think to myself...weren't they just born yesterday? seems that way. but then again, it doesn't. such a strange phenomenon.

time is just flying on by. seemingly faster and faster than ever before. like i'm in some time accelaration machine that's terribly malfunctioned. hello, time? are you listening to me? slooooooooow down. please? thank you.

ironically, monday night and tuesday i would have paid high-dollar to jump into a time machine. i was so bored that banging my head against the wall sounded more fun than sitting and doing nothing. i refrained. because, by golly if my body is failing me, i can't have my brain failing too. there's precious material in there, i have to protect. i kid, i kid.

i'm sure you've caught on by now, that i'm not so good at sitting-and-doing-nothing. nope. not so much. i'm more of a cram-10-times-more-than-you-can-feasibly-accomplish-in-one day-into-one-hour kinda person. yep. overachiever extraordinaire. that's me.

but. you knew there was a but didn't you? there always is...

but, my pain level.........it had me sitting and doing nothing---except complaining about how bored i was. and crying a little bit about how uncomfortable it feels. not to mention getting frustrated and irritated at myself for carrying a laundry basket up the stairs the night before because i still like to think that i don't have limitations.

stupid. stupid. stupid.

*sigh* when will i learn????

i often wonder what God is trying to teach me through this unexpected detour that has become more of a change of direction than a little detour.

my skull is a little thick to learn the whole "be still" concept. being still makes me feel lazy.

last week in counseling my counselor was asking me what are my coping mechanisms to deal with the chronic pain i'm in. i think i stared at her like a deer gazing into high-beam headlines before i realized that she was asking a serious question and not just a hypothetical one.

uhhhhh........i stammered for an answer.

i busy myself with something and push through the pain. then, i said....i'm good at forgetting. it's true, i am. my short-term memory is choppy at best. a good indicator that i'm having a severe level of pain day----my memory. it's laughable at times. i've asked doug the same question through IM 3 or 4 times in less than 5 hours and each time forget that i've already asked it.

i also cope by busying myself. because if i'm focused on something else, the pain doesn't have a stronghold on my thoughts. if i sit and "be still" then all i think about is all the stuff i could be doing, but can't. i get SO frustrated with my limitations. then the frustration leads to anger. anger because i don't want to be this way.

anger because i don't cope well.

i'm not real sure i have any one tried and true way to cope other than finding a way to be creative. it's hard to stay angry & frustrated when you're inspired.

i've tried to sit down an scrap this week, but instead i sit and stare. i often read blogs to escape. or browse tumblr and reblog everything to my own account that's visually appealing. lately i've been inspired by fabric. so i thought it was time to play with a little fabric and dig my hands into the button bowl.


i made so many that now my fingers are sore from all the hand-stitching. ha. aren't they pretty!? fabric just makes me happy. the girls are now planning who gets which flower turned into a barrette for their hair. :)

so now, *some* of the frustrations are gone...unfortunately, the pain is not. :(

PS...i haven't forgotten about the giveaways. there are two, maybe three....and the first one will be tomorrow! see you back here then!

2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry! I can't imagine living with that everyday ... having pain triggered by 'normal' everyday tasks. Hugs to you!

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  2. I understand your pain. To bad your isn't seasonal pain (mine is worst in the cold, winter months)yes, its hard to sit still with the mind racing to things I should be doing. I usually crochet for Project Linus and when its done I feel like I have done something positive. I can also relate to asking the same question several times before I remember the answer..I blame mine "forgetfulness" from working on a dementia unit ;)
    I am sorry that you have to deal with this pain at this stage of your life.

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