five years ago today....

i lost my mama.

i was 29.
she was 50.

i feel like i'm through the worst of the heartache, although i know it will always linger..  there are times when my breath still catches in my throat as i catch a glimpse of her in my own reflection....or in a glance at spidergirl who looks so much like her. and there are still times when i can't hold back the tears like when i see a daughter walking side by side with her elderly mother.

but mostly, the memories are sweet and the tears are few.  my heart doesn't feel as broken.

and even though i didn't believe it before, time does heal the wound....a little bit anyway.

and i'm really thankful for girlsfriends like Suzi and Sherry who have been there to listen over these past 5 years.  and my new friend Emma who reminded me yesterday..."Do know that your mom lives on in you. The things you teach your children and many of the stories you share, are HER experiences. And HER stories too."

so, thank you sweet friends.

i think my mama would be proud of where i am today.

recording the hard stuff....

so, this post is all about that announcement i mentioned the other day.

are you ready for this?


i'm preparing my heart and mind to walk beside lots of hurting friends to help them get their memories preserved as i open up enrollment to teach another round of a class i developed called: In Loving Memory.

ETA: (ps....if you're a past student of this course you will be grandfathered into the class with no charge. it's as simple as filling out the Move My Class form found here and check off 'In Loving Memory' as a past class.)

i know many of you have been waiting for this announcement for a while based on the emails i've received requesting to run again. i'm excited to help you get these memories documented.


We all know that the loss of a loved one can be one of the most trying and emotional experiences in your lifetime as you ride the waves of grief that follow that loss.

This is something I personally discovered after losing my mom, very suddenly and quite unexpectedly, in the summer of 2007. yesterday, she would have turned 54.

After such a loss, when the grief washes away and the sunshine begins to peek into your life again, you find yourself left with a pile of memories that seem fleeting. Yes?

These seemingly fleeting memories leave you with a desperate urge to document every little detail of your loved one and the life they lived, but the thought of tackling such a task seems daunting. I've found that the sense of urgency is caused by the overwhelming fear that you'll forget before you have adequate time or energy to recount the life of the loved one you now miss so dearly.


In my online course, In Loving Memory, I will provide you with an abundance of starting points and journaling triggers, as well as layout samples and sketches to get you moving forward on making your own album of remembrance--all the while encouraging you to be gentle to yourself along the way.

This is definitely not a race to a finished album, but a process of documenting and healing all in one. It's scrapbooking as therapy, not just art.

If you'd like to record and honor the life of your loved one(s), and it has seemed too painful, too messy to begin, or just unapproachable, please consider joining me on a journey of remembrance this spring.

Class starts March 14th.

As a special promotion, the first 50 students to register prior to March 2 can receive 15% off registration with the code "EarlyBirdILM2011".

If you have any questions please leave them in the comments or email me. I'm happy to help you decide if this class is the right fit for you.

gentle hugs,
tania

serendipity?

happenchance? coincidence? or... perfectly orchestrated? you decide.



nearly every time i visited my mom, we ordered Chinese from Jade's just down the street from my childhood home. makes my mouth water just thinking about it. Jade's = good Chinese food. well, it used to anyway. in more recent years, mom mumbled about new owners and how the food just wasn't the same anymore. i digress.

because Suzi so fabulously awesome at knowing just what i need, right when i need it, she made reservations to take me out to PF Changs, a local Chinese bistro at Easton Towne Center.

side note: i highly recommend the chicken with black bean sauce. it's definitely not at all what it sounds like.

dinner was awesomely delicious, but the conversation was even better with both Suzi & her friend Diane (who also lost her mom many years ago).

we talked about everything from the night i got called to the hospital.........to the bingo dauber that someone put in her hand during visitation at the funeral home, and everything in between. i've never laughed as much as i did last night in my life. like i said yesterday, i'm in a good place right now. the memories are soft & sweet.

anywho. back to the story.

i'm sure you're all familiar with the custom of getting a fortune cookie after eating Chinese, am i right?

and you certainly know the etiquette for fortune cookies, don't you?

1. always, always, always take the one farthest away from you.
2. always add the words "in bed" to the end of your fortune, LOL. (just for fun.)

well. i'm not so sure that there is really an etiquette--but those rules sound convincing don't they?

regardless, those are the rules in our family. rules established more out of necessity than anything. makes the fighting, between the girls, over who gets which cookie melt away because when they all get dropped in the middle of the table you just have to pick the one farthest from you. this is serious business ya know. we've been known to measure, even. kidding.

if you've eaten chinese food as much as i do, you definitely know that the little slips of paper inside those fortune cookies have printing on both sides. sometimes you're lucky and you get a two fortunes in one.

if you've never opened a fortune cookie, you should know that there is a little slip of paper inside each cookie. with typeface on both sides.

one side: is your fortune---that you must read aloud & six LUCKY numbers. don't forget to add the words "in bed" on the end of your fortune reading. (just for fun.) boy have we had some funnnnnnny ones.

other side: is an english word with the chinese translation.

no joke.....this was my piece of paper inside my fortune cookie last night.



i'm thinkin' i need to rush my hiney to the corner gas station and play those lucky numbers in the lottery tonight!

today...

mom would have turned 53. *sigh*



i don't even know how to articulate how i feel. today is one of those days that i'm expected to be sad...along with mother's day, the anniversary of her death, and other holidays. but oddly enough, it's not these special days that i feel grief the most.

so, today, i'm just fine. for now anyway. :)

it's often the random day, when i see a mother & daughter together. or, when i open the cupboard and see cream of mushroom soup. or, when there's a NASCAR race on. i could give example after example. those are the things that catch me off-guard.



i clearly remember sitting down and making this layout. it was just three months after she passed away. i was in an ugly, ugly place and feeling like i would never enjoy the birds singing or the sun shining again.

but, today, i still feel the same as i did on this day last year, but somehow, so very different.

i'm still in the camp that time doesn't really heal the pain. but it does change it. it makes it more bearable. it makes the memories sweeter. it makes the heartache dull just a bit with each passing day.

so now, instead of my scrapbooking layouts and memories of her feeling heavy and downtrodden, they are a more positive and celebratory. most of them are informative & not so much a display of pictures. she hated to be in front of the camera.

so, while i don't have many pictures of my mom, i haven't let that stop me from recording details about who she was and what she did. this is just one example.



instead of repeating a photo already used on another layout, i chose to make a large focal point in place of a photo with the word MOM embellished.



i created this layout after being challenged by Amanda Probst & her super fabulous blog called Good Grief. the challenge was to create a layout about your loved one using word association.

i immediately thought of those brainstorming webs we were taught to create in elementary school when learning to write stories.

so i grabbed a scratch piece of paper & my oldest daughter, the one with the excellent recollective memory, and we each jotted down anything and everything we associate with mom (or Big Grammy to her). then together we decided which ones summed up our memories best to include on this layout.



the coolest thing about this whole project is that as we were finding words that we associate with her, we discovered that behind each and every one of these words is a very important story that needs told about who she was.

i forgot how helpful brainstorming webs could be!

if you'd like read a little more about my mom and my journey through grieving her loss--including more layout, you can read all the posts by clicking here.

PS.....i will be bringing back my In Loving Memory class in late April or early May. stay tuned.

feeling quiet....

so i'll just share a layout i've been holding onto. the photo was from my wedding, august 1995. journaling written february 2009.



journaling:
Mom taught me, for real, that silence is golden. She was a woman of very few words----almost to the point of seeming standoffish if you really didn't know this about her. But, she had the best intentions and a heart of gold---and so much to say. Much of her conversation was in her body language or the look on her face.

You know, my drivers education teacher once told me that I should be in show business because I had the best expressions on my face all the time. I laughed. But, you know, it's true. So did Mom. There's a lyric in a love song by Alison Krauss that goes something like this "try as I may, I could never explain, what I hear when you don't say a thing...". Then, the chorus goes on to say, "you say it best, when you say nothing at all." I couldn't have explained it better. That was SO Mom. I learned from her that words cannot always express what the heart feels but the look in her eyes said it all to me.

I learned to read her looks like a book. I'll never forget the look on her face when she came and told me she was divorcing Dad. It was the look of confusion and one that said she wasn't quite sure what was around the next corner. Or there was the look she had when she adjusted my wedding veil. One that swelled with tears, trying to be brave in her sadness. She had the look that said she was choking back the sadness of having to loosen her grip on her only daughter, but it also said she wasn't quite ready to let her baby go. The words never formed and rolled off her lips, but I knew. Then there was the look, and the single word she uttered, when I announced to her that I was expecting her first grandbaby. And another look when that same grandbaby was just minutes from being born. I remember them all. There were many more looks with very few words, but somehow I always knew exactly what she was trying to say.

*featured layout 9-15-09, www.twopeasinabucket.com :o)

inhale.

monday night, i was out shopping with Suzi because she didn't want to go alone. we all know by now that i hate to shop, right? but, ya know, i love that girl and i don't want to do a lot of things alone, so she humors me and tags along too. so, it's only fair that i repeat the gesture right?

let me just say....i'm so glad that i force myself to get out and do things that i don't always enjoy doing because, well.........read on.

we hit up barnes and noble for a gift card and teetered about getting a mocha chip frapacinno that tempted our eyes by the marketing banners just inside the doors. we didn't get one. then we went on a (unsuccessful) hunt for a basket for a gift she's putting together. something during that trip made me remember that Bath & Body Works just launched their 75% off sale. so of course a trip over there was in order to see what kind of bargains we were missing out on. i'm not a fan of their lotions---i can't stand a greasy, oily feeling on my hands. but, i've taken quite a liking to their perfumes.

so i looked and looked while she shopped and shopped and it just so happens that as we walked back out into the mall, she said...."come in here, you gotta smell this stuff i bought a friend." so i did and we laughed because i was with her when she bought this stuff. but, new stuff caught her eye and we sprayed tester strip after tester strip, inhaling each one to decide on a favorite.

we were in Victoria's Secret.

after a few minutes of being there testing new scents, she made her way down to the classic scents that they always carry.....strawberries and cream, love spell, vanilla lace, etc. we reminsced about which scents we used to wear in highschool and i couldn't believe that some of them were still available to buy.....i mean, i've been out of highschool for 15 years.

at this point we had been to three other shops----remember, i don't like to shop. i'm clearly missing that gene. we'd been shopping a good 2 hours.

i'm patient though and not obnoxious about it. i'll go along, and usually not buy a thing, but my mind is always in a million different places thinking of all the things i'd could be doing instead of shopping.

as we were looking at all these classic scents the visual triggered a rewind reel in my head. it rewound and stopped at a visual of mom's dresser. it was then, that i remembered that Mom always drenched herself in one of these scents. i remember it being one that i didn't particularly like, for myself, but tonight, i couldn't pick it up fast enough and just close my eyes and inhale.

it was like time stood still and our entire lifetime of memories together played at rapid speed through my head. i had to hold back tears to keep from looking like a silly loon sniffing body spray. bittersweet, but so lovely.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Amber Romance. how i (now) love thee.

it was then that i realized for the past (almost) 2 years, that all i had to do to smell Mom was go to Victoria Secret. it made me angry and elated all at the same time. i think God knew that i wouldn't quite be ready for an experience like that until now. it's amazing the emotion (& heartache) that a single smell can conjure up.

please dear God, don't ever let them discontinue her scent.

clearly, i should have bought a bottle.

lie to me...

the david cook lyrics to the chorus of the song "Lie" keep ringing in my head, over and over, like a broken record stuck on repeat today.....

lie to me
and tell me
that it's gonnna be okay

just lie to me
and tell me
that i'll make it through the day

lie, lie, lie.........

this is my second mother's day without my mom, and somehow i think it's harder than last year. i'm certain i was still in shock last year.

hugs to all of my friends that have this common bond of having a mother that has passed on from this life. i know you are struggling with the celebrations of Mother's Day today too---just trying to make it through the day without your momma.

HUGE (((((HUGS))))

in the mail.

"Ever since the decision was made to donate Mom's organs and tissues, I've often caught myself thinking about whom the recipients might have been and how they've gotten a chance at improved life because of Mom's gift. The nagging curiosity of who those people might be prompted me to make a phone call to Lifeline of Ohio--the agency that coordinated her donation. During that phone call to Lifeline of Ohio, I made a general inquiry and asked about recipient families and how the donor families can make contact with them. I already knew, from previous correspondence from them, that they were able to use Mom's corneas, some tissue and ligaments, and provide skin grafting for some burn victims, as well as bone grafting. I was told that the recipients are prompted to send a note of thanks to the family when they receive their organ and/or tissue donation, but it rarely happens. In that same breath, she also said not to expect to ever meet...it does happen, but it is rare. She kindly asked Mom's name and looked her up in their files. As I patiently waited on the phone, I had a mix of anger and relief. I was relieved because I finally knew my answer and didn't have to wonder any longer, but I also was angry that, chances were, I'd never get to meet these families. Dang you Hollywood. Shame on you for distorting reality. I was already in another state of mind...daydreaming again. "Thank you for waiting, are you still there?" the voice gently said. I was quickly brought back to the present. She said, "We've had two families contact us in regard to your mother and we've sent the correspondence to Dale." Wow. Really? Talk about a roller coaster of emotions in a quick 10-minute phone conversation. I was told that she'd be glad to send me copies of the thank you notes after getting permission from Dale first. She quickly followed with an invitation to attend and Organ Donor Reception that would take place two days later. The reception was a time to celebrate new life because of organ donors like Mom, but also remember the lives that were lost to make those celebrations happen. There's now no doubt in my mind that we made the right decision when we chose to donate LIFE."


i got a lovely surprise in the mail last week.




***********************************
the above layout is an exerpt from my current class at Get It Scrapped! called In Loving Memory. Registration is still open. Email me (link is under my photo to the right) if you have specific questions.

and i couldn't let the last day of April pass without sharing a link since it is National Organ Donor Awareness month. as of today there are nearly 102,000 on the waiting list for an organ donation of some kind.

ONE donor can save 8 people through organ donation and improve life for more than 50 through tissue donation.

Learn more about Organ and Tissue Donation and join the Donor Registry at organdonor.gov and donatelife.net.

PSA: there's a steal....

over at Scrapsupply right now in celebration of National Scrapbook Day coming up (the first Saturday in May).


It's a FREE online class with the purchase of this kit. Purchase price ONLY $20. Retail value $45. CLICK HERE to purchase.

I will be making a donation, with the proceeds from this kit, to the American Heart Association in memory of my Mom who died of sudden cardiac arrest July 19, 2007.

Kit theme is Baby Girl but could easily be adapted to a Zoo theme with some minor adjustments.
This kit contains products from Little Yellow Bicycle:
(1) 12x12 Paper - Girl Large Dot (glitter)
(1) 12x12 Paper - Girl Jungle (double sided)
(1) 6x6 paper pad - Includes 12 Decorative edged papers (to fit the album shapes)and 12 sheets normal patterned paper in this pad.
(1) 6x6 baby safari shaped mini album (6 pages)
(1) pack baby safari button stickers
(1) pack baby safari felt ribbon
(1) pack baby safari dimensional stickers
(1) pack baby safari epoxy stickers
(1) pack baby safari chipboard stickers1 pack baby safari fabric stickers
(1) pack baby safari cardstock stickers - favorite pieces
(1) pack clear cut frames and titles die cut printed transparencies (8 pcs)
(1) pack cardstock stickers - journaling pieces
(1) pack alphabet stickers - glitter
(3) individual die cut transparency shapes/titles
(1) small pack coordinating brads pieces (about 5)

When you purchase this kit you will receive a printout with instructions for accessing the free online tutorial and instructions for this album.

my bed might not be made...

but i got to play with my big 'ole box of new goodies from Little Yellow Bicycle. heeheee. making your bed is so overrated, don't you agree? although i do make my bed before i get in it at night----a little random quirk of mine.

anywho...........this is what i accomplished instead of making my bed:

this Zinnia line is my new obsession. i've been waiting for a very long time to document this little story and every little thing was perfect for it. mom loved the color purple. and always wore it proudly on her fingernails. i always thought it was kinda wild looking, but it was her little thing that made her happy. i think i might just go buy me a bottle and wear it on special holidays and her birthday and mother's day. just for her. if only i could quit biting my nails and grow them long enough. i think i'll do that. oooops, another rabbit trail. sorry.

okay. so back to the Zinna Collection. the patterns are so bold and vibrant and the colors are a beautiful fushia and goldenrod yellow and purple and they are sprinkled with glitter and , well, here.........let me just show you more.


and you know me. i couldn't resist using my cuttlebug again. those swiss dots steal my heart.


and the glittered raised embossing on the papers..........so, lovely.


and the clear overlays and accents, oh my. and felt. i am just gah, gah over all this texture. and completely in love with this layout. i'm so glad i waited until the timing was right and i could sit and visit a while with some memories of their relationship while putting this together.


and it still cracks me up to this day, all the little nicknames she has for her grandparents. her own terms of endearment. and there you have it. my new favorite layout.


have a lovely friday.

52

• that's how old mom would have been today.
• i still, after a year and a half of her being gone, pick up the phone to dial her number so i can tell her something, then realize.........she's not there.
• when i scroll through my Contacts in my cell phone and i see "Mom", i get a pain in my heart, but i just can't bring myself to delete it.
• it makes me sad to think about all the things she's missing.....that she'll never see my girls graduate high school or walk down the aisle and say "i do."
• i'm still running into people that don't know. in fact, it just happened two weeks ago. out of nowhere someone came up beside me and said "tania, how the heck is your mom?" it caught me off guard and i really thought it was a sick joke, until i realized who it was talking to me. i hadn't see this guy in 15 years---we used to take tae-kwon-do together and he and his parents were ones that we tried and tried to find contact information for but just couldn't get ahold of.
• or, there's still people who knew........but forgot. awkward to have that conversation.
• last week i caught myself talking about her a lot. my mom this and my mom that---usually just when i'm talking to dawn at work. she talks about her mom often. anywho. never once did it occur to me that she was gone. i mean, but it didn't hurt to talk about her.
• i still have a hard time driving at night. even more so if it is a rainy night. those were the exact conditions outside when i got the call saying something was terribly wrong. dark and rainy. it doesn't bring tears, but panic and anxiety.
• i look more and more like her every day.
• i sometimes want to meet the person who is now walking on her feet and the person now seeing with her eyes because of organ donation. a decision i had to make and didn't take lightly.
• i'm thankful i have a daughter who is so much like her daddy. she has an incredible.....i mean, incredible.....memory. she remembers lots of details about her big grammy and things they did together. and she'll sit and tell emma story after story after story about big grammy.
• please take some time today to visit this amazing resource on heart disease at http://www.goredforwomen.org/ to educate yourself about this number ONE killer of woman in America.
• know the risk factors: obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, smoking, and physical inactivity.
• and know the signs and symptoms.
• what is one thing you can start doing today & everyday hereafter to improve your heart health?

i suppose it's par for the course.

(please bear with me today. i want to keep it real here. things aren't always hunkydory, peachy-keen. tomorrow, i'll bring sunshine and smiles. but today, i must grieve.)

today is just....eh. feeling down, and full of grief, and a bit discouraged. i had such a vivid dream last night. one with my mom in it. then i woke up and realized..........it was just a dream. none of it was real.

she's still gone. forever.

i hate those kind of dreams. the kind that cause me to be pulled violently back into the grieving process and so rudely reminded that today is another day without my mom--another holiday coming and going without mom. i want her back.

holidays are especially hard. i miss her.

i miss her smile. i miss how she always wrote "from: Santa" on my gifts even when i was 29. i miss how her whole face lit up everytime we pulled in the driveway for a visit. i miss ordering chinese takeout together. i miss her scent. i miss the warm fragrance of vanilla as you entered her home. i miss seeing the love she poured into baking pies during the holiday. i miss spritz cookies with the cookie press. and chocolate crinkles too. i miss seeing her interact with my girls. i miss dropping in and sitting at her table to sneak in a few crossword answers while she wasn't looking.

i just miss her.

and then i realize once again..........i only have one parent left. and that scares the living daylights out of me.

i can't lose my dad.........please Lord, don't take my dad.

***************************
doug tells me the winner is.................lisadwb! lisa, email me at taniamwillis at (yahoo.com) with your address! (ps...........jeff perry! YOU are awesome, dude! do you accept freelance writing work? i might just need you to blog someday too, LOL!)

today..........gobs and gobs of ribbon.

shortly after 11:30PM, one year ago today...

It was a bit after 11:30pm and Suzi and I were sitting in the living room catching up on all the stories Doug had to tell after being gone for a week with the guys on vacation to Myrtle Beach. If you know Doug at all, Mr. resident comedian, you can only imagine the laughter that ensued. The phone started to ring, mid-story, and a bit perplexed, we all got quiet and looked at one another not sure what to think about the phone ringing at such a late hour. Doug answered the phone with a stern, yet apprehensive “hello.” He had a look of confusion and uneasiness came over his face. He tossed the phone my way saying, “it’s Dale. Mumbling. I can’t understand him.” I quickly took the phone and said “hello?”

I don’t think I could have ever been prepared to hear that voice on the other end. He was barely audible. Very shaken & crying hysterically. All I managed to make of the conversation is.... “It’s your mom. Get here now. CPR.”

I was shaking uncontrollably, unable to form a cohesive thought. Then in a matter of minutes, I could feel my body shift into autopilot with a full-fledged fight or flight response. I had Suzi drive me to mom's house. The whole way there I felt like I was in a horrible dream and I remember trying to talk myself out of believing the worse case scenario. As we turned the corner on her street, I caught a glimpse of the squad lights. I remember thinking.....it’s gonna be okay, Tania. In my logic, I thought, if it was too bad they would surely be gone by now and on their way to the hospital with her. As we pulled closer, I practically threw myself out of the her SUV, before it came to a stop only to see the neighbor waving me back and hollering my way.... “Hurry. Get to the ER, Tania. They just left with your mom. She’s in bad shape.”

In that 5-minute ride to the hospital, I fell apart. Not knowing what was happening with my mom and having absolutely no control over anything was more than I was prepared to handle that night. I was so exhausted from single parenting for the week while Doug was gone. When we arrived at the parking area at the hospital, I was so disoriented and hadn’t a clue how to even get into the ER. They had done a lot of reconstruction since I had been there last and all I found were locked entrances and barricaded entryways. I wanted with all my might to just wake myself up from this nightmare.

After finally making my way into the ER waiting room, I felt overcome with emotion. The bright lights and the dozens of people all staring my way paralyzed me. Then, the man in the blue coat came to me. A clergyman. He grabbed my hand and ushered me back into a room to meet the other family that made it there before me. Having attended Nursing school and having watched more than my share of emergency medicine shows on the television, I should have known what this gesture meant, but I failed to recognize it.

It was only a matter of moments before a young woman walked through the door and into the counseling room. I don’t remember the exact words she said, but I do remember how hard she struggled to look me in the eyes, as she had to tell me “we tried 10 different drugs and she didn’t respond to any of them. she was pronounced shortly after midnight." It was as if someone punched me in the solar plexus and knocked the wind out of me. I was no longer leaning against the door. My legs buckled underneath me; my whole body collapsed to the floor.

My mom is dead. 50 years old.
This can’t be.
This can’t be.
How can that be?
I thought my mom was supposed to be invincible.

It is now 1 year later later, I still can’t believe it.
My mom is gone.

catching grammy. or not.

so, i've never shared the butterfly story? seriously? i've looked through the blog and can't find mention of it.

it's a sweet, sweet memory....for me anyway.

so the back story goes a little something like this. it's the day of mom's viewing at the funeral home and a lovely basket of flowers were delivered from doug's family. they weren't your typical funeral flowers, but instead a basket of perennials that i could plant outside and enjoy year after year. and we did just that----we planted a memorial garden, out front around the tree.


and as you can see, the basket came with a floral pick with a bright, cheerful pink butterfly in it. it caught ashlyn's attention immediately, being pink, yanno. so we stuck in the garden too. she was missing grammy and after a little heart to heart with her we decided that whenever we saw a butterfly we would think of grammy and know that she was watching us. that made her smile.

but then, she got it a little twisted around and thought that whenever she saw a butterfly that it WAS grammy. so cute, her innocence.

so fast forward a month or so to September 2007. suzi and i took the girls to the Park of Roses and got some amazing pictures. for some reason, i didn't share one of the girls. i think it was because i always meant to tell this story, and then forgot.

so we are in the middle of taking pictures and all of the sudden ashlyn takes off running across the field, screaming........"waaaaaaaait, grammy!!!!! don't leave me grammy. come back grammy. i love you...........i miss you. grammmmmmmmmmmy." and she's chasing a butterfly. she couldn't keep up with this butterfly flitting about. defeated and out of breath, she comes back with her head hung low just devastated that she couldn't catch the butterfly. i didn't see the butterfly, so i just stood there a little dumbfounded. so, she made her way back and just as she's telling me what she was doing, the butterfly returns and hangs around for a bit, before heading off again. this time she took emma running after it with her to increase their chances of catching grammy.


so, now you know. the kids are a little butterfly obsessed around here. just something that makes me smile.

not too long ago, grammy and papa at the beach sent the girls a card with $5 in it. they immediately wanted to go to the Dollar store. they are both very particular about how they want to spend their money----really, there's no convincing them otherwise. in this particular trip, miss emma continued the obsession with butterfly catching by purchasing a butterfly net.

and she really couldn't be any cuter.........really. no way jose. this is the ultimate in cuteness.


she has yet to catch grammy.........not for lack of trying though.

more often than not.......

i catch glimpses of my mom in my youngest, emma. and i won't lie.........sometimes, it's hard. the pain of her loss is still an open wound. somedays, just looking at my sweet little girl, the tears will start to flow. the salty tears dripping into the fresh open wound; stinging with each teardrop.



i tell her often how much she looks like grammy. she was only 2 1/2 years old when mom left this earth. as we sit and talk, i see the look of confusion in her face and i can feel the memories of her grammy all to quickly fading from her knowledge. it stings....and it hurts.

i have been so very blessed to know my each of my grandparents and have spent many years by their side learning and just plain enjoying their presence. i was married even before my great-grandmother passed away. like i said, so very blessed.

so, now, it is up to me to keep her memory alive. to spread the knowledge i have of her and to continue on teaching them the things she taught me best. that's quite a tall order.

every.single.meal.

it's about time i get this down so i don't forget, because by now it has become so routine that i don't even think much about it anymore. but tonight i'm going through pictures trying to get them all backed-up onto CD in the case that my computer might fail and i'll be out the 265,973 pictures i've taken since i've gone digital.

the thought of losing all that will make you stay awake all night 'fer sure!

anywho. here's what i'm talking about.


miss ashlyn.
every meal of every day since mom died she's prayed:
"Dear Jesus. Thank you for this food and for trying to help my mommy's mommy not die. And thank you for saving daddy's life when he was in the car accident. Amen (with a southern drawl)."

never changes.

and if we are hurridly getting dinner on the table or out of our normal routine, we sometimes start digging in without prayer. but ashlyn always, ALWAYS, always is the one to remember and remind us. with a great big "UH-OH." followed by "everyone stop. you know what we forgot to do?"

"Dear Jesus. Thank you for this food and for trying to help my mommy's mommy not die. And thank you for saving daddy's life when he was in the car accident. Amen."

it used to really choke me up and make me sad and put me in an all around funk. but, oh, the innocence.

now, it makes me laugh a little. but mostly smile.
it's her own special way of remembering Big Grammy.

please be patient...

i'm home.
the trip was wonderful.
filled BOTH 1GB memory cards----that's 500+ pictures.
in 2 days.
wowza.

i came home and 45 minutes later emma decided she was going to puke all night long.
so i'm a bit behind.

but, i did manage to put some finishing touches on a layout i created just for ME.
not to for an assignment, not to mail away for publication.
just. for. me.

the journaling tag says "where does my help come from? my help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." it's a song by Casting Crowns called "Praise you in this Storm"
you can hear it here Praise you in this Storm by Casting Crowns (from youtube.com)



catch me back here tomorrow to hear about the weekend and see some happy snaps of the adventure with the Adventurers!

in rememberance...

i've thought about posting several times thinking i would share my thoughts and feelings, but just didn't want to face them or got overwhelmed thinking about where to start or what to say.

a friend asked yesterday how i was feeling and her timing was perfect. i didn't feel anxious at all.....i needed to get these thoughts down, especially in light of my terrible memory. i don't want to forget anything. that's what scares me the most----that i'm going to forget my mom, that i won't be able to see her face in my mind whenever i want. and what saddens me most of all is that my kids most likely won't remember a thing about their grammy.

from the time i left the hospital (thursday) until the day of the ceremony, i was just going through the motions---it just didn't feel real at all. and still doesn't really.

on the day of calling hours (sunday), my brother and i were the first to walk into the room for a private moment alone. two steps into the room and we both, simutaneously, stopped in our tracks and drew a huge breath in astonishment at the visual reminder of just how many lives she touched during her life. never in my life have i seen so many flowers at a funeral......it was the most beautiful sight i've seen. i was disappointed in the way she looked---nothing like herself at all. i had many moments of anxiety, fearing that i would be tortured with that visual instead of the way i truly remember my mom.

both kids were with us for the first 2 hours. there was a continuous flow of co-workers, friends and family----i mean non-stop visitors, so many that you couldn't move an inch without bumping into somebody. i held up quite well---again, feeling very surreal, like it was only a dream. both of my girls brought flowers and pictures for grammy and gave her one final kiss. ashlyn understands it all and has been extremely sensitive to my feelings. emma doesn't quite understand. when she saw her she said "what's grammy doing?" and "grammy, wake up." it breaks my heart that she won't ever remember her. my dad came (they were married for 16 years) and took my kids for the remainder of the day.

it was comforting to experience the love that people had for her.....i feared that people would forget and we'd be there alone. in between services, we went on our own to grab a bite to eat and just breathe. i didn't know how much i would need that time away until after the second service.

the second 2 hours was a bit less intimidating. the traffic slowed and i felt i had more time to connect with those who came to pay their respects. my mom's hairdresser of the last 8 years arrived and was in hysterics over the way mom looked. she was appaulled. she pulled me aside and begged me to let her come back after everyone was gone that evening to make mom look, well, like mom. after speaking with my brother we agreed. and couldn't have been more thankful. everyone was gone except myself .....i was ready to walk out to the hall when jackie came around the corner. she was beside herself with emotion. i offered to stay with her and she accepted. and let me tell you, it was the most beautiful thing i think i have ever experienced in my life. she talked to mom just like she was still here, joking with her the whole time about the way she would style her hair and mom would go right home and re-do it her way. mom loved her hairspray, and she fittingly bought a new can of spray just for mom called Helmet Head.....totally made me laugh.

friends came to my house afterward to hang out and help divert my attention. i stayed up long after everyone else called it a night so that i could prepare a eulogy.

on monday, just before the funeral service, we had a few final moments to say our final goodbyes to mom. i never imagined that would be so difficult. i truly felt paralyzed at her side. i didn't want to leave. my brother and step-dad wanted to be present for the closing of the casket----so she wasn't going alone. selfishly, it wasn't something i cared to experience, but being the 'go with the flow' person i am, i stayed. a very mechanical process, but a memory that isn't etched in my brain---thanking God that i have a terrible short-term memory. i knew there was a reason for it.

the ceremony was absolutely beautiful. not only was it directed by her Pastor, he was also mom's friend. that made it special. i wrote the eulogy for her, but couldn't bring myself to stand up and speak the words. i am forever in debt to my wonderful husband. he begged me to let him do it. then he went on to add his own words which just made me swell with tears. writing those words was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life. i'm so not good at stuff like that, especially with the realization that those are the last thoughts that those in attendence will have of my mom. then her favorite song was played called "Who am I" by Casting Crowns. (when doug gets home i'll try to figure out how to link the song from youtube.com) the room was echoing with a chorus of sobs.

the escort had the utmost respect for mom on the way to the cemetary. they changed the route from the funeral home to the cemetary so that we would pass the High School where she worked. the police escort sped ahead, parked his motorcycle in the middle of the intersection and saluted mom and the entire processional as we passed. just a small touch that was like receiving a big ole hug.

there was a short committal service at the cemetary. after the service i removed one rose at a time from the casket spread and handed one to each one of her family members. then we all dispersed back to mom's house for a reception.

yesterday was a blur. i was so exhausted. each minute seemed to be an hour.

i haven't had a moment to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. to really grieve. unfortunately the world doesn't stand still waiting for me to be ready to face it. i'm plugging along, one breath at a time. today is harder than yesterday was. i have always been the strong one....the glue that holds everyone together. but i don't want to be the strong one right now.

Mom's Eulogy
Like myself, and many others, felt yesterday, I think mom would be surprised if she saw how many people came to mourn her sudden passing. After all, mom was a private person and kept many thoughts and feelings to herself. But, even though she kept to herself, she always had a smile and a few words to share. It would never occur to her that she was so popular--that she will be missed tremendously. Yet the very fact that so many have gathered to celebrate her life says much more about her and her kindness and the impact she made on those around her than any words I could ever speak.

Mom did her good deeds slyly. She was content to stay in the background, not to be forgotten, but to quietly observe and help out without needing praise. She was a true nurturer. She always thought of others and how she could help them before she would give thought of caring for herself. Oh, and she never advertised that she was helping someone in need. It wasn't like Mom to boast about acts of kindness because to Mom, helping someone in need was just part of who she was and what she was here to do. Helping others and lending a helping hand or an ear to listen simply came naturally to mom.

Today, many people are here to mourn her passing. Without a doubt, her family will miss her most of all. But, I take comfort in the fact that so many others will miss her too. I will say, after experiencing the outpouring of love and respect yesterday and again today, I can't help but feel like I am receiving one big long squeeze of a hug knowing that mom touched so many lives during her time here on this earth. It is obvious that she didn't go unnoticed, and she won't soon be forgotten.

Of course, I will miss my momma. It wasn't until I became a mom myself that I truly understand the sacrifices she made for us kids. But most of all, I will miss watching her in her role as Grammy to her grandchildren. She was so very proud of her grandbabies. Not a day went by that she wasn't bragging on something that one of them had done or said. She adored them and they equally adored her.

Selfishly I want her back, if only to hug her one last time, for one last kiss and to tell her how much I love her. But I know that God will get me through, for I know that she's in the arms of God's mercy and she's finally found rest.

call your momma and.....

tell her you love her.
cause you just never know if you'll have the chance to do it again.

i lost my momma last night.
suddenly.
to a massive heart attack.
50 years old.

so, really......go. just call her, love on her, squeeze her tight, confide in her, forgive her, whatever you need to do to let her know you're always going to be her baby girl no matter how old you are.

i missed my one last chance.



SUE ANN (CRIST) WERNER, age 50, of Reynoldsburg, died Thursday July 19, 2007 at Mt. Carmel East Hospital. Born February 25, 1957 in Columbus, she was a 1975 graduate of Canal Winchester High School and attended Capital University. She was employed at Reynoldsburg High School Custodial Dept and was actively involved with Special Olympics and Make-A-Wish Foundation. Survived by her husband, Dale M. Werner; daughter, Tania Marie (Douglas) Willis, Columbus; son, Michael (fiancee Beth Streeter) Pearce, Reynoldsburg; grandchildren, Ashlyn & Emma Willis, Justin Michael Pearce and Brandon Streeter; step-daughter, Erin (Joe) Morris, Lancaster; mother, Mary Lou Crsit, St. Petersburg, FL; father, Donald (Verna) Crist, Pataskala; mother-in-law, Charlene (Hank McLaughlin) Werner, sisters, Donna Herbst, Pickerington, Melinda Crist, Reynoldsburg; brother, Steven (Jami) Crist, Canal Winchester; cousins, nieces and nephews, and her special friend Kitty. Friends may visit 2-4 & 6-8p.m. Sunday at the DWAYNE R. SPENCE FUNERAL HOME, 550 Hill Road N. (St. Rt. #256), Pickerington, where funeral service will be held 1p.m Monday, with the Rev. Dwight Bennett officiating. Entombment follows at Forest Lawn Memorial Gardens. Friends who wish may contribute to the American Heart Association, PO Box 163549, Columbus, OH 43216 or OSU Foundation, Stephanie Spielman Fund (fund 646-870), PO Box 183112, Columbus, 43218 for breast cancer research in Sue's memory. Online condolences at http://www.spencefuneralhome.com/