Thursday, January 12, 2012

chin up, beautiful.

those are the words on repeat to me from my sweet friend lately. i'm sure she sounds like a broken record. i am SO thankful to have her around to encouragement when things are rough.

and things have been rough lately. lack of blogging = tania's in lots of pain.

when i'm in pain, i shut down. i get angry because i can't keep up with my level of motivation. i introvert. i have trouble finding the silver lining. i get depressed.

and worst of all........i'm no fun to be around. just ask the people that live with me.

i have a hard time slipping into recovery mode. trouble extroverting back to the real me.

today, it's all hitting me hard. i'm on day 6 in a row of having pain so intense i feel like i could vomit. 6 days of taking handfuls of medications and wearing pain patches, with barely any relief.

it's a vicious cycle of resting to feel better and the resting making my pain level worse.

i'm feeling really discouraged today because so much of my life in the last 7 years has been wasted while i'm unable to function, crippled by the chronic pain. i've lost a lot of friends. i've seen my kids become numb to it. my husband despise it. other's not believe it.

i ask myself what's the lesson in all this? i normally can find the happy in the sad, the comedic relief in the pain, God's purpose.

but today, i can't. i actually said to my husband this morning via text, with tears streaming down my face....."sometimes i'd rather not live than live in chronic pain."

that realization scares the crap out of me. admitting it here makes me feel even more vulnerable.

it's really hard for a type-A, highly motivated, over-acheiver like myself to feel useless. :(

and today, that's just how i feel. like a big old pile of dead weight.

this isn't a "i'm going to kill myself" cry for help. it's just.....truth. it's just real life. it's just a little insight into why this blog has been silent.

my chin is up. i'm just trying to find a smile above it without tears dripping off the end of it.

5 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear you are in so much pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm just a follower but your post touched my heart. I hope things get better for you. Have a GREAT Day, and keep your chin up, beautiful!
    Me-Ma Kim

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  2. I wish ... well, you know what I wish for you (I hope you do anyway!).
    You know, I keep trying to type something to you and can't think of anything. But I can't leave without letting you know I was here and am thinking of you.
    (very gentle) hugs to you, my friend...

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  3. Aw Tania, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in so much pain :( I am thankful though that you have a sweet friend to lend you encouragement. I just wish that there was some way I could help you...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my sweet friend, CHIN UP! I love you to pieces and wish there was something I could do for your pain. Hugs.

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  5. I feel for you, my mother often says those exact words: "sometimes i'd rather not live than live in chronic pain." I know it's heartbreaking for you, just as it is gut wrenching for those who love you. Wishing you relief. Love Penny

    ReplyDelete

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