chin up, beautiful.

those are the words on repeat to me from my sweet friend lately. i'm sure she sounds like a broken record. i am SO thankful to have her around to encouragement when things are rough.

and things have been rough lately. lack of blogging = tania's in lots of pain.

when i'm in pain, i shut down. i get angry because i can't keep up with my level of motivation. i introvert. i have trouble finding the silver lining. i get depressed.

and worst of all........i'm no fun to be around. just ask the people that live with me.

i have a hard time slipping into recovery mode. trouble extroverting back to the real me.

today, it's all hitting me hard. i'm on day 6 in a row of having pain so intense i feel like i could vomit. 6 days of taking handfuls of medications and wearing pain patches, with barely any relief.

it's a vicious cycle of resting to feel better and the resting making my pain level worse.

i'm feeling really discouraged today because so much of my life in the last 7 years has been wasted while i'm unable to function, crippled by the chronic pain. i've lost a lot of friends. i've seen my kids become numb to it. my husband despise it. other's not believe it.

i ask myself what's the lesson in all this? i normally can find the happy in the sad, the comedic relief in the pain, God's purpose.

but today, i can't. i actually said to my husband this morning via text, with tears streaming down my face....."sometimes i'd rather not live than live in chronic pain."

that realization scares the crap out of me. admitting it here makes me feel even more vulnerable.

it's really hard for a type-A, highly motivated, over-acheiver like myself to feel useless. :(

and today, that's just how i feel. like a big old pile of dead weight.

this isn't a "i'm going to kill myself" cry for help. it's just.....truth. it's just real life. it's just a little insight into why this blog has been silent.

my chin is up. i'm just trying to find a smile above it without tears dripping off the end of it.