Thursday, June 02, 2005

a constant struggle...

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week by week, day by day, hour by day, minute by minute...it is an ongoing struggle. 27...mothering 2 small children...designing...teaching...struggling to find my true identity...trying to be content...seeking out faith...building my confidence...learning to let go...struggling with obsessive compulsive tendencies...just trying to make it one day at a time. it is an every day occurrence...the need to having everything “just so”. the urge for “perfection” controls more of my time than I’d like to admit. as long as i can remember, i’ve struggled with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. the need to be in control my environment is very overwhelming. when things aren’t “just so”, it affects how I react to Doug and the girls. when i lack the control my mind thinks i need, i often will go through a radical mood change without realizing it. i wish i could ignore it, but it is a fact of my life. i’ve tried to change the obsessive-compulsive behaviors—it doesn’t work. i have learned that it is just the way I am. instead of trying to change ME, i’m trying to learn to live with ME.

i designed this layout about 2 months ago and nothing has changed. i have worn myself thin with this constant battle. my mind won't rest. hundreds of chores to get done and not enough hours in the day to do them. something has got to give. why do i have such high standards for cleanliness around the house? why am i so obsessive about having everything in order?

today, my goal is to take time for ME! i want to spend the majority of the day in my studio....doing what i love....a desire that is slowly slipping away.....designing. creating art. i want to overcome this struggle....even if it is only for one day--today.

2 comments:

  1. Sooooooooooooooo, did you take time for you? Do share, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tania,
    This post really hit home for me. I am fighting the same battle in my world...I appreciate your courage to post about it.

    ReplyDelete

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