frustrated.

while it's monday and i should be excited for a fresh start to a new week just brimming with possibilities, i'm a little frustrated and discouraged this morning.

it's a little bit of everything getting to me all at once and bogging down my spirit. i still like to think i can do it all, be everything to everyone, help where help is needed and i'm not quick to accept help myself when it is offered. work before play or i have a dark cloud of guilt looming overhead. and having two young kids, the work is never done. in other words, there's very little play happening around here.

i need to learn how to add a little more balance to my life. put some blinders on and keep moving past those piles of clutter i posted yesterday. but when i'm surrounded by clutter, my brain feels cluttered too. like i can't think straight. i loathe clutter and sometimes i just itch to purge and donate just so i can think straight. i'm easily overwhelmed by stuff.

then, add to that the pain i'm in, that is an 8 on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst) and i'm just not feeling a whole lotta positive. it hurts to breathe. and the only thing i can do is sit and do nothing. and while i sit and do nothing, that leaves me a whole lotta time to think. think about all the stuff that needs done and isn't getting done. and then i get frustrated just a little bit more.

until i can't stand it anymore and i get up from the heating pad and skip the next dose of muscle relaxers and start doing something productive. which lasts a whole 10 minutes before i have to sit down again because my back is screaming "please stop!"

i've been caught in this vicious cycle of pain since thursday. and it sppears as if it's here to stay and not going away anytime soon. there is nothing they can do for me, short of a serious spine surgery. so i'm stuck with pain management as the goal. vicodin and muscle relaxers and lots of reminders to slow down.

can you see why i'm frustrated?