Saturday, August 01, 2009

i'm borrowing against tomorrow's spoons.

some of you, probably not all of you, know that i live in chronic pain every single day. it's not something that i talk about often because it isn't something that most people can relate to and i'm not very good at explaining it----other than to say, i can't do the level of physical activity that most 32 year-old young women can do.

i have chronic lower back pain developed as a result of giving birth to Spidergirl. it's quite a birth story, but long story very short, the epidural was leaking into my spinal column and i was numb for 15 hours after delivery....beyond 2 hours is extremely abnormal. as a result i have 4 bulging discs in my lumbar vertebrae (low back) along with sacroilleac joint arthritis (where your tailbone meets your pelvic bone) and spinal stenosis in 2 of my thoracic vertebrae (middle back).

i've tried physical therapy, pain management, muscle relaxers, electrical stimulation, pain patches, epidural steriod injections and flouroscopic steriod injections directly into my joint.

nothing has worked. in fact, it's made it worse.

i'm easily exhausted & fatigued. simple things, like turning the wrong way, or bending over too far can cause the most unnerving pain. and i never know when it's going to put me flat on my back, like i am today.

last night, i could barely make it up the stairs to bed. today, i can't walk without instant tears. but i have no idea what i did to cause the flair-up.

i've gotten pretty good at hiding my pain just because it isn't easily understood or easy for me to describe, but yesterday i happened upon a story that explains it so very well and i shared it with my husband. even he has a hard time understanding---until he read the story.

The Spoon Theory (click to read)

talking in spoons is now our new language.

the worst thing for a chronic back pain sufferer is to sit or lay and do nothing. it makes you stiff and the joints tighten up. but today, i have no choice. i started the day with 2 spoons, in a matter of one hour, i was unable to walk or move without extreme pain, leaving me borrowing against tomorrow's spoons.

this too shall pass...........quickly, i hope.


  1. Thanks for the link Tania and I hope you feel better soon!

  2. Omgosh! What a touching story. I too feel like I understand a little better what you go through on a daily basis. It also makes you all the more amazing for what you are able to accomplish.
    I so wish that I could ship you a truck load of spoons. Know that you are in my thoughts.

  3. Great story, it makes you think how easy things are for most of alland we stil complain...
    Hope you feel better

  4. Dear Tania,
    Thank you so much for sharing that story with us. It is very touching and really makes one open their eyes to another persons problems. I too suffer from unbearable pain from a type of arthritis and also fibromyalgia. Nothing as bad as you have, but it sure leaves me with less spoons than most people. I hope you feel better soon, it is remarkable all the wonderful things that you do and share with others.

  5. Wow! That makes way more sense now and sure puts it into perspective. I hope you have more spoons today than you did yesterday!;)

  6. I too live with pain on a daily basis (not anything as severe as yours) but it is hard for other people to understand expecially my son--when I "can't do" something with him.

    Thanks for sharing.

  7. My friend, remember that those tears cost you spoons. So laugh with us, we will at the very least polish what spoons you have.

    I only lose spoons on migraine days. Haven't had them for a few months, and that's rare for me at this time of year. I guess we all have our own version of spoon disorder.

    Did they ever give you a diagnosis, as to your chronic pain?

    I'm sending you a spoon and some polish by "heart mail" - now and always.


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