Wednesday, June 16, 2010

attitude determines everything.


here's a question: "do you think your life is harder than those around you?" knowing my struggles it would seem i have all the right to holler a resounding YES!

but....it could be so much worse. i know that.

we could be dealing with fatal illnesses, and we're not. we could be out of work, living on the streets, unable to clothe and feed our children, and have no access to the best doctors for the conditions that we're treating. but we're not.

but, this week, i still need an attitude check. i'm super depressed. tired of the pain. tears around every corner. and every single day i wonder how i'm going to live another day in this amount of pain. i don't like being limited by my level of pain.

i often wonder what is the lesson God is teaching me through these trials. why does it seem that some people endure more heartache and difficulties than others?

i've touched on my pain in the past, but i try not to dwell on it here in this space because i don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. truth is, i'm in pain every minute of every hour of every day. pain is the norm.

everyone is dealt their own trials in life. this happens to be mine at the moment.

through this trials i have learned...
to roll with the punches more.
to let go of control.
to trust my gut.
to admit my weaknesses.
to have a deeper level of compassion for others who are suffering.

as we very well know, my life the past several months, between my health issues and those of my girls, has resembled something similar to a real life medical drama/soap opera. it seems we're in a season of struggles.....mentally, physically and emotionally. boy, how i wish this season were changing.

but ya know what? my life doesn't really suck.

sure, the problems we're dealing with do. but, i know attitude is everything.

i will admit, i don't always have a peachy positive outlook, especially when my pain is so intense that i feel like i will get sick---like it's been for the past 6+ weeks.

nope. instead i'm pretty miserable and irritable. but, thankfully my husband is Mr. Hopeful. he overflows positivity. sometimes to the point of being annoying because you just want someone to be frustrated with you, LOL. what's that saying? misery loves company.

i like to keep things positive on here, but i also want a true record of my personal story and a way to remember how far i've come once they figure this all out.

the last six weeks have been exceptionally difficult for me. i've been in a moderate to severe amount of pain constantly. i mean pain to the point that i can't do normal everyday tasks without medicating myself to dull the pain. unable to unload even the entire top rack of the dishwasher. unable to do laundry. unable to tolerate a child sitting on my lap to read a whole book.

thank God for a husband who is actively involved and gives way more than his fair share of effort every day to make sure things keep on keepin' on. he cooks, he helps clean, wrangles laundry, gives baths...yep, he's pretty darn swell.

just a few weeks ago, on my way to taking the kids to school, i finally came to the realization that i may never be pain-free. i've been dealing with this for 5 years, so that's a whole new mentality for me because i live with Mr. Hopeful who overflows positivity--meaning he doesn't let me get down too often. but, i have to be realistic.

since the pain has been increasingly worse these past 6 weeks, i paid a visit to my family doctor for another evaluation to see what could be done.

i've already been through epidural steriod injections, TENS unit, physical therapy, pain management, lidoderm patches, oral steriods, bedrest, counseling, and more pain management and more oral steriods. nothing works.

so she sent me last Thursday to the hospital for another MRI on my complete spine and i walked out with a CD with 250+ images on CD. this Thursday (eeeps...tomorrow!) i'll be hand-delivering those images to a neurosurgeon.

yikes.

attitude is everything...
attitude is everything....
attitude is everything....

let's hope the visit with this doctor pulls me out of this funk and gives me something to be hopeful about. 'cause at this point i've pretty much given up hope that i'll ever be pain-free.

and surely, i'll keep you posted.

in the meantime i'm trying to keep distracted by the shenanigans of spidergirl. don'tcha love her lovely face paint? she's so proud of the tree she drew on her forehead and the upside down umbrella on her chin that compliments my rainbow over her nose perfectly, don'tcha think? with blue spraypaint in the hair to match. HA!

she just might have gone out to dinner looking like that too! gosh, i love that kid. she makes me smile through the tears.

8 comments:

  1. I wish I could wrap my arms around you, my lovey friend, and wish away your pain. Instead, I leave it in God's hands to wrap His arms around you and give you strength and courage you need at moments like this. Chin up. Praying like mad for you and that one day you'll know the life of painfree. Love ya to pieces!

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  2. I am sorry ... I wish I could do something ANYTHING to help. I read a quote on Judy Wise's blog ...
    "If we aren't here to help each other, then why are we here?"
    Hugs to you ... and I LOVE the umbrella!

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  3. hoping you get some good news from the surgeon ---and find some relief.

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  4. You consistently amaze me with your attitude and strength...so blessed to know you! Hope the surgeon's able to help! Hugs!

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  5. Aw, I'm so sorry for what you have to go through. I swear that if I could I would give you half of my spoons each day.

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  6. Tania, I want you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers . . . I hope you get good news from the neurosurgeon and that some how you can get some relief from all the pain your in. HUGS my friend! :)

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  7. Thank you for the reality check. I was feeling stressed and slightly crazy because of the end of the school year. It IS all about attitude sometimes and mine has not been that great. Hope they figure out something that helps.

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  8. your list of things tried looks so much like my husbands. I checked off every single one. He too has your desire to be off all the meds, outo of research studies, etc. Everytime we walk into a docot/surgeon/specialist they look at us and can't believe we are 28 with the file as thick as his.

    I too spout the "It could be so much worse" spill all the time. I am the positively polly in our situation, b/c I have to be. Doesn't mean it still doesn't suck though. I want him to be able to function. At all, any, whatever. Sleeping all day, reclining, and losing over 40 lbsmaking my 6 foot 4 husband a measley 155 lbs (making his body practically eat his muscle mass b/c he is in too much pain to even eat) is not fun.

    So, I agree, even though our situations aren't the worse in the world, they are not ideal for our life, therefore they suck :) BUT we keep on keeping on and never lose FAITH and HOPE!

    Hang in there!

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