Monday, February 28, 2011

today, i'm struggling....

why is it so hard to be open and honest about that which you struggle with? is it the fear of those closest to you abandoning you? does it feel like you're admitting defeat? does it mean you've failed? that you have issues with showing too much vulnerability?

i don't know what it is for everyone else, but for me, i feel all of the above when i struggle.

and i've kept it quiet, but........i've been struggling a lot lately. usually i'm quite open about our daily challenges and quite positive that there is a reason for it all.

but, lately? lately, i just feel like life has just been unkind to me. and i've been questioning a lot lately ...."what did i do to deserve this?"

you wanna know something? i hate myself for having to ask that question.

because i know, that i know, that i know, that God has a plan for my life......for our story.

but sometimes when you're in the thick of it all, it's hard to see beyond the here and now. it's hard to see the finish line. it's hard to feel the victory that's just around the bend.

instead, i feel the exhaustion of the race.

i'm still trying to learn to be brave in my sadness.
i'm still trying to learn to let go of the life i had planned for myself and live the life i now have.

life is messy. and challenging. with surprises around every corner. did you know? i don't like surprises. at all.

i crave the mundane. the structure. the knowing what's coming next. and you know what?


i've been struggling with feeling overwhelmed and with how busy my schedule has been with appointments to the doctor and dentist.

struggling with the amount of pain my body is in and struggling with the limitations i have because of it.

struggling with a new diagnosis and feeling frustrated that it wasn't caught sooner by any other specialist.

struggling with having to add three new prescriptions to my daily regimen, bringing my pill intake up to fourteen. yes. i said FOURTEEN. that's far too many for a 33 year old woman.

struggling with feelings of anger and bitterness towards those who don't understand what i go through on a daily basis and wishing they would just try for a minute to put themselves in my shoes.

struggling with having the right amount of patience with my daughter who has extreme mood swings and wakes up on a daily basis with irrational feelings of anxiety over the simplest of things.

i want to be restored and feel whole again. my heart has been heavy and hurting for far too long.

in the meantime, i'll try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. and try to decipher what the bigger purpose is in all of this.


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