Wednesday, March 09, 2011

behind the smile....

  • i'm still learning that it's okay to give all you can give and still fall short of it being enough.
  • i'm still learning that perfection is unobtainable.
  • i'm still learning that disabilities don't define my self-worth.
  • i'm still trying to convince myself that i am enough.
  • i'm still struggling with being on the receiving end of so much love and compassion when i'm used to being the one giving much of the same. (thanks to every one of you)
  • i'm still wondering if the desperate feeling of wishing things were different will ever go away.
  • i'm still wondering when i went from being content to being uncomfortable.
  • i'm still wondering when i'll quit being my own worst enemy and start believing in myself like others believe in me.
  • i'm still praying that i can accept the path my life is taking and let go of the way i thought it should have unfolded.
  • i'm still praying that i can let go of thoughts and feelings that often consume me and torment me and repurpose that time spending it on something more productive.
  • i'm still hoping that the anger that wells up in me when i get mad about how things should have been will be replaced once again by joy and contentment.
  • i'm still trying to accept that i'm not superhuman and acknowledge that i've been overextending myself beyond what i have to give.
  • i'm still learning how to be still. s0, so, so, so hard for me.
  • i'm still trying to figure out how to best restore and nurture my soul back to a place where i don't feel stretched thin.
behind the smile is where you'll find vulnerability. and i'm okay with that.
  • i still believe in the unfolding of an imperfect story.
  • i still believe God has an amazing purpose for my imperfect story.
  • i still believe that my smiles are genuine. thank God for that!
i'm finally okay with admitting i'm a sensitive and emotional soul who feels things more deeply than anyone else i know. i've spent years and years trying to hide my sensitivity, so please excuse me while it overflows and spills out all over the place.

i assure you that i'm okay.

i've been so quiet here on the blog because all these thoughts have been swirling in my brain just begging to come out. typing anything else in their place just felt too forced and contrived.

but, today? today, i gave myself permission to let 'em fly. and suddenly everything feels right in the world again.

what are you still learning, still struggling with, still trying, still praying about, still hoping for?

6 comments:

  1. such an honest and beautiful post Tania! Bless you for sharing it!! Hugs girlie!

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  2. thank you Ki! hugs right back to ya!

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  3. Good for you for letting it out. It's you blog.

    Everyday I struggle with pain.I still am trying to deal with my precious daughter's death, even though it has been years. I try not to question God's judgement. And I pray, fiercely, that I am doing all that I can to prepare my daughter for her future.

    See, your not alone. We all have things we deal with on a daily basis. Just not everyone is willing to share their's with others. We are taught to keep quiet and deal with things, silently, on our own. I am famous for that. My Mom and sister's are always saying how strong they think I am about my daughter's death. If they only knew what a hot mess I am in private.I don't say anything because I don't want them to worry. See, typical woman behavior.

    Hope you day is good. You are not alone, today, or ever. May God bless you and keep you close through the trails you are going through.

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  4. Tania, thank you for sharing yourself so openly. I could take some lesson from you instead of having it all bottle up inside of me. I would hate to think if I explode what would happen. You are a very strong person for the pain you live with each day, your daughter and her emotions and reactions, your daughters activities and a wonderful supporting husband. May God continue to bless you and carry you during your hard times.
    Thank you for being you and being honest with us.
    {{{{HUGS HUGS}}}}

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  5. I so hope to one day meet you in person! I can't really add anything to what the others said.
    Except ... how can you doubt yourself? You are a terrific mother ... a wonderful scrapbook artist ... caring teacher (though, no, I didn't sign up for your current class ... I still am not ready to face my mom's being gone ... talk about crazy!) ... and a genuine, warm-hearted person. What more could you want to be?
    You are PERFECT (as Pink would say ... I love Pink!) Hugs to you!

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  6. HI TANIA, I JUST FOUND YOUR BLOG, AND I LOVE IT...
    I REALLY LIKED THIS POST AND I WANT YOUR PERMISSION TO POST IT IN MY BLOG, AND TRANSLATE IT TO SPANISH... CAN I??...
    I´VE BEING TROUGH SOME HEALTH ISSUES AND, A LOT OF THIS WORDS REALLY CAPTURED MY FEELINGS...
    THANKS AND I WAIT FOR YOUR ANSWER.. HUGS FROM MEXICO!

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thank you for taking time to leave me a comment! i will do my best to leave comments answering any questions you may ask :)

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