okay, i'll own it....

so i have to admit, that things are still a comedy of epic proportions around here. i wish you could be a fly on the wall, because there's no way i'd ever be able to paint a picture with words as comical as it feels to be living it day to day.

there are times in which i stop and scan my surroundings just to see if i can find the camera crew hiding out in the bushes waiting to ambush me with a chorus of voices saying..."Look right into that hidden camera because you're on Candid Camera."

wouldn't that just be peachy? it sure would explain a lot, that's for sure.

so, i have a little question for you?

what happens when you have to juggle income for another $1000 in car repairs, then add in at least one doctor appointment every week for myself and/or the girls, oh, and a husband who gets hit hard with strep throat...then, just as you catch your breath you realize it's time to dive head first into a major deadline that includes nearly 30 projects along with a finicky video project and you have to toss Christmas shopping into the mix....and we can't forget the feeling you feel when you've lost something irreplaceable?

and what happens when you come out to your car after a 15 minute trip to the pharmacy to find a ticket on your windshield because you've parked in a handicap space but your placard fell to the floorboard when you shut the car door, so now you have to make a case to the prosecutor and ask for charges to be dismissed. and the hard-to-find book you ordered from Amazon for a Christmas gift that came looking like someone had a hayday stomping all over it---and a lightbulb goes off and you realize that every.single.thing. you order from them in the last year has arrived damaged. *sigh*

and what happens when your phone rings off the hook because someone at Children's Hospital forgot to mark one little box in their billing system which then takes a completely covered procedure and turns it into an outstanding balance of $157.15 that sends you to straight into collections?

well, let me tell you. are you ready? i'm sure you're gripping the edge of your seat.....

you end up with a mama who's intensely overextended with anxiety bubbling up inside her like the carbination on a freshly shaken can of soda just waiting to explode. (nooooooooo? not me.)

and then what happens? she gets another surge of adrenaline and wigs out. (nooooooooo? not me.)
and the thought occurs to her.......maybe you're the one who needs the valium and not the kid. (tempting)

i'm not the only one having a rough time. last week ashlyn had a breakdown because her daddy was sick and she didn't want him to die like Big Grammy did. then between sobs and catching her breath, she said "mommy, i really, really miss Big Grammy." such a hard thing for a little girl her age to deal with and a hard thing for a mama to hear.

hard because i know how private she is with her feelings. but, not so hard, because i know how safe she felt knowing that she could share it with me. :) and i know now that her difficult days might be more than just what i see on the surface--more than just her typical anxiety and sensory issues.

but, yeah. it's still hard knowing that your child is still dealing with the grief of it 4 1/2 years later.

holidays are hard.
true story.

thankfully this mama has a husband who endlessly reminds her not to introvert and to breathe and stay calm. and a husband who holds me to my word when i promise to make this holiday the one where there's more laughter than sadness.

so very thankful for that.