Wednesday, August 29, 2007

depression sucks...

i have depression.
my entire life i've been an expert at stuffing the feelings deep into my soul.
it is a ferocious beast.
a beast that i can't seem to beat.
it sneaks up on me and attacks me at the most unexpecting moments.
digging its piercing teeth deep into my heart and soul.
releasing its painful and destructive venom throughout my body.

constantly sucking the joy from my life.

intruding my thoughts.
distorting my perception.
quenching my motivation.

smothering my desire to move forward.

it rises to the surface at the most inopportune times.
one day i feel on top of the world. ready and able to conquer almost anything.
the next day i'm lifeless. like a fire smothered by water.
numb to everything around me.
paralyzed.

today, today i feel paralyzed.
paralyzed and defeated.
and i hate the feeling.
hate it.

those who don't battle depression never understand.
really, it seems they don't care.
assuming that it is only an attitude problem on my part.
just "snap out of it" already and move forward.
that's what most people think.

man, how i wish it was only that simple.

add grieving on top of depression or depression on top of grieving.
it feels like a soda bottle shaken a little too hard leaving me ready to explode at any moment.

life sucks right now.
and it feels like it will never get better.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Tania. I know where you are. I've been there. We need to talk. I have some encouragment for you... because there is hope. I battled depression for years, and now I have not been depressed for 3 years (without medication :)). Depression is one of the hardest things to deal with, and one of the most misunderstood things by other people. I hope you are feeling better - I'll be praying... and I'll try to send you an email in the next day or two. Maybe by sharing some of what I went through, it can help? At least it's worth a try. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not really going to try and say the "right" thing here..just that you are in my daily prayers. You are loved!

    ReplyDelete

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