taking time off to take care of me

without boring you with all the fascinating, yet freaking out details....
i'll just say, i spent the 7 hours through the night last night at the ER.

chest discomfort.
high blood pressure.
fast heartrate (130+ beats per min.) that wouldn't slow despite their efforts.
nitro spray.
a million EKGs, tests, x-rays and CT scans
kick-butt pain meds---when i really wasn't in pain. go figure.
and ativan. an anti-anxiety----hoping to slow my heartrate.
goooood stuff that makes you feel numb to life.
but it didn't slow my heartrate.

anywho.
i think it is this new medicine has my heart all out of whack. and had me scared out of my mind. that, and family history. my bloodwork showed elevated clotting something or other so they were scanning for a blood clot in my lungs....they said it is clear. but still can't tell me why my resting heartrate is 140. (normal is 60-100). needless to say, a heartrate all day of 140 makes you a bit exhausted.....like you've been running a race all day. weird thing is, i can't feel it racing in my chest. guess i should be thankful.

today i didn't take the new medicine. i still feel exhausted. my resting heartrate is 110. the warm, tiggling, jittery all over feeling is gone---that feeling is the worst. and i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i was not having a panic attack. i've had them before and this was so unlike those attacks. my experience with panic attacks, my heartrate goes up, i get all nervous, but then can settle back down within a 10 minute period of time. yesterday, my heartrate was 130+ for 14 hours. i know the ER thought for sure it was anxiety based on the happenings in my life over the past month, but they quickly realized it wasn't when the ativan did nothing for me at all. nothing but make me numb. when they expected it to lower my heartrate, settle me down and knock me out.

i thought i was doing well with the grieving process, until they took me to the same hospital mom was taken too. it was like a horrible nightmare having to be there all over again. i couldn't bare to call any family and have them on alert and aware of my condition. so please forgive me for not calling anyone. i know how miserable i felt to be in that ER aside from the miserableness i was feeling health-wise and i couldn't bare to have any of your wounds ripped open and raw again. it wasn't a pleasant feeling deep in my soul.

i had the most sensitive nurses, one who was 24 and lost her mom when she was 19. and again, i am amazed how God has our lives so perfectly orchestrated in that He knew exactly what i needed and when i needed it. i needed that nurse there. i needed her sensitivity. i needed her reassurance.

while there, i realized just how much i've been cramming down and cramming down because life must go on. but not this weekend. i'm taking some time away from the computer to focus on me. and focus on my family. no agenda, nothing to do, nowhere to go, probably a whole lotta napping, some theraputic journaling too.

so, if you're wondering where i am, i'm here at home. my phone will be on, but my email is going to go unchecked as well. it's time i care for myself.