Thursday, October 30, 2008

outta sorts.

do you ever have a time when your mind is totally clear? if so, tell me the secret. unless it's meditating for 3 hours a day. i ain't got the time for none of that.

the past few days, the ideas floating around in my brain won't fall in line and hush for moment. never. ever. it's hard to live with a brain that won't shut down. not just thinking on one thing, but thoughts mumbling and jumbling. from one thing to the next so fast i can barely grasp onto them. like watching a movie at 10 times the normal speed. i can't even concentrate or focus on one thing for a length of time. is that normal? am i lacking a vitamin or something?

i feel totally discombobulated. and fidgety. and cranky. and just not satisfied. not content. it's anxiety settling in. and it isn't welcome.

if you've known me for any length of time, you know that i like to plan, i like to organize, i like order, i like to know what's going to happen tomorrow, and i really hate surprises. but if you also know me, you'll know that i've got none of that in my life at the moment. we've had lots of unplanned, and not a lot of order, and we're definitely flying by the seat of our pants.

heh. maybe i just found my answer. it's a crazy ride we've been on.

lately it's left me frustrated. the kind of frustrated that you just can't pinpoint. the kind you can't explain. the kind where everything and anything wears on your nerves. the kind where you just want to grab and fistful of hair with both hands and yank as hard as you can in hopes that the pain will quiet the noise and the uneasy feelings.

oh, the poor little people + husband who have to live with me and put up with me. good thing they love me or i might be in trouble.

excess noise, excess chatter, excess belongings, excess stuff, just excess excess. it's buggin' me. it's not another bout of depression invading. it's just the noise. it's just so darn noisy in my noggin'.

shhhhhhhh. be quiet.

i was ready to open the door last night and shout at full-lung capacity "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", to release some frustration, but the thought occured to me that i might scare the neighbors and end up committed to the local psych ward if i actually followed through. so instead i watched a recorded episode of Oprah. about Marion Jones.

i must really be out of sorts. i rarely sit to watch the tube. my actions are just like my brain. always busy doing something. or ten things. at once. so to sit and do NOTHING else but watch the tube. that's when you know somethings really wrong. hahaha.

it's no wonder ashlyn is so agitated all the time. the thought that she inherited my noise brain just makes me ache for her. i'm finding myself in a bit of my own sensory overload.

she's just like me. i'm just like her.

did i really just figure that out?
an epiphany. get out. right here in the middle of my rambling non-sense.

i have so many hopes and dreams. 2 little (needy) children are more important than those dreams....for now. there is a season for everything, and right now my season is caring for them. which is proving to be quite a difficult task lately. i have so many questions, yet not too many answers. they really need a manual for this thing called motherhood.

i'm trying not to lose myself in the process. trying not to pull all my hair out (by the fistfuls), because really, the pain isn't worth a quiet mind. i just have a much too curious mind which isn't a bad thing.....most of the time. but it's the anxiety about all the "what ifs" that gets me every time.

i can feel the shift starting. the ground beneath my feet doesn't feel so steady. i'm ready for a big change, but not welcoming the anxiety that comes along with it. i feel restless and fatigued.

i'm learning to do only those things that I want to do and not what everyone else wants or expects me to do. that's kinda hard for this overachieving perfectionist. so intent on people-pleasing. i've got that talent of people-pleasing down to a T.

for now, i'll try my best to chillax (that's chill + relax). take lots of deep breaths. respond in love and not in an anxious haste. apologize to those who love me most who've had to deal with my uneasiness.

i'm ready to listen. ready to learn. ready to let God lead me to where i'm supposed to be. because i'm not quite sure i've found my exact purpose or how i can best use my talents in this great big world. but one thing is for sure. i want the anxiety to subside and shake off this funk and get back to living and dreaming and sharing and inspiring and teaching and learning most of all to be still and just take it all in and know that God is in complete control.

i forget that way too often. remind me once in a while, would you?


  1. (((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. Kids' health issues, working too much, not having enough time to take care of everyone and everything, including yourself and on and on ....... I totally know how you feel. I can only tell you that it does get better if you can slow things down a bit. ;) xoxo


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