Wednesday, May 06, 2009

it's been a while....

i've been away, for what, almost a week? almost. i was doing so good with blogging, then i fell off the wagon.

i'm sorry.

i didn't mean to alarm anyone with the lack of posting, i don't even remember what all i was doing. i just know that i was busy, then just felt quiet, then in pain--lots of pain.

it's always hard to start blogging again after not doing so for a week. that's a long time in my world. the last 8 weeks there's been so much going on in my schedule that i honestly didn't know whether i was coming or going. but then, my body has this lovely way of reminding me that i'm overdoing it and then it tells me it can only handle so much. it gets a little cranky and decides to let me know it.

so, what have i been up to?

well, other than keeping up with laundry, there's been housework, and wrangling kiddos, and working, and working some more, and teaching that online class, and we can't forget the freelance deadlines, and a party or two, and National Scrapbook Day---FUN!

but the past 3 days, my body has been cranky. they've been nothing.........and i mean nothing.....but laying all stretched out on the recliner doped up with muscle relaxers and pain killers trying to rest. HA. let me let you in on a little secret: REST is not in my vocabulary. nope. it needs to be, but somehow my brain wasn't wired to appreciate all that resting has to offer. the wonderful joys of being an extreme type A personality.

why in so much pain, you ask? well, because of a little wonder i call emma. when i gave birth to emma, it's a crazy birth story.....for another day....but, when i gave birth to her, i ended up with sacro-illeac joint arthritis (where your tailbone meets your pelvic bone), along with 4 bulging discs just above the joint and a few in my mid-back that are now narrowing. stenosis, they call it.

i've done physical therapy and epidural steriod injections, sacro-illeac joint injections through flouroscopy, transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation, lidoderm patches, narcotics, muscle relaxers, bought a new mattress, heating pad.....you name it, i've done it.....short of surgery.

long story short, nothing works but rest and doing NOTHING. heh.

when your painscale is a 9 out of 10, even when you're just resting, you can't help but do nothing. so that's where i've been. doing nothing. boooooooooring. i've decided that i'm not so good at doing nothing.

when i do nothing, my brain is in overdrive thinking about all the things i could be doing. like rearranging all the furniture in my bedroom to prepare for my in-laws that are coming soon, or looking for all the cobwebs that need wiped from the corners and make a mental note to do that when i can move again. thinking about the garden that needs weeded. and the carpets that need scrubbed. and the curtains that need a washing. and the next class i need to be developing. and the next tutorial that needs created.

only problem with all that thinking??? instead of just my back hurting, my brain hurts too.

bedrest. is.torture.

(thanking God again for an amazing husband who steps up his game when i'm down for the count and keeps things running remarkably smoothly around our humble abode. and he never complains about doing it.)

good news being that my coming and going, up way to late and then back up to early routine is looking like it's settling down for a short while as tomorrow will find the last session of my "In Loving Memory" class going live.

ya know, i started this class with a nervous trepidation and it wasn't until a few days ago that i took a deep breath and realized i got through it and came out alive. it was lovely and i was pleasantly surprise at how the Lord carried me through and kept me strong.

i'm still not sure what i was so nervous about. quite possibly just being scared of my own emotions. i'm learning more and more every day that i'm a very emotional person---this coming from the girl who knows how to hide her emotions from the best of them. i don't know how to handle emotional people....especially when that person is ME!

anywho. i suppose i was really expecting this class to bring back so many more feelings and emotions of grief than it did. but the students were amazing. they way they opened up and shared their stories and memories with me was astounding.

i learned:
  • being brave in sadness is so rewarding
  • i'm much farther along in the grieving process than i give myself credit for.
  • being vulnerable by teaching a class full of students with a common bond is an amazing feeling.
  • healing is a journey...a lifelong one, i think.

i'm so very thankful for all the blessings in my life. even if it means only experiencing them because of pain or loss or tragedy. brave in sadness. that's my new motto.

WOW. that was a whole lot of jumping around and rambling. did i lose anyone? it takes a few days for all those drugs to exit my system and get the hyper thought process back down to normal, LOL. hopefully, i'll see you back here sooner than another week from now. like tomorrow.
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3 comments:

  1. Welcome back girl! Rememeber..Be Gentle! As for that pain, I say have the surgery. I need to have my tailbone cut off..but I can't stand the thought of losing my butt! (Lil morning humor to brighten your day..lol!)

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  2. Glad to see you back and hope you are feeling much better

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  3. Glad you're back and feeling better!

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