Tuesday, May 04, 2010

reminding myself for the ten thousandth time...

  • i used to be 127 lbs and wear size 4 clothes. i felt attractive then.
  • these days i'm a weight i'm not comfortable sharing and wear a size clothes that would make you gasp in disbelief. i feel unattractive ugly now.
  • i used to love cooking dinner for my family. i felt needed then.
  • these days i can't cook an entire meal without admitting defeat to the pain. i feel incapable now.
  • i used to be able to give my kids a bath. i felt motherly then.
  • these days i can't give my kids a bath without being in moderate to severe pain for a week (or more) following. i feel inadequate now.
  • i used to walk 4 miles a day during my lunch hour. i felt energized then.
  • these days i walk 1/2 mile realizing that it's more than i can handle. i feel weary now.
  • i used to have a tidy, organized house. i felt in control then.
  • these days my house is a constant chaos and sometimes utterly embarrassing. i feel sloppy now.
  • i used to be able to meet the needs of my husband and children & be worthy of their praise. i felt like superwoman then.
  • these days i feel like i can't even meet my own needs. i feel handicapped now.
  • but, through it all, they see me just the same. THEY SEE ME JUST THE SAME. how? why? i'll never understand. i'm a lucky girl.

i've been in moderate pain (with my back) since i gave the kids a bath on Monday April 19. last week it rounded the corner to the severe category. *ugh* i've also taken more vicodin in the past week than i've taken in the past year. it doesn't take the pain away, it just takes the edge off and makes it bearable.

when i'm in this kind of pain, i feel like a monster. my family is thanking God i don't act like a monster. (usually)

instead of me being able to see what i *can* do with my limitations---which is still quite a bit---i see all the things i *can't* do....and it infuriates me. it makes me lose hope that things will ever get better. this is the exact reason why i'm in counseling--learning how to live with the daily stressor of chronic pain & love myself despite the limitations.

i don't know if i'll ever learn. *sigh*

so here i am reminding myself that i need to be a little more gentle on myself and let go of expectations. that's SO hard for me....mrs. stubborn and independent.

12 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. I feel incapable at most times ... (and except for a headache I have had since Thursday), I don't live with chronic pain! Probably doesn't help you though. Hugs and sending back pain fighting vibes to ya.

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  2. remember - be gentle, yes. but dont beat yourself up for feeling those things. they are normal and you are in pain. life is easy and hard and wonderful and terrible all at the same time. you are an incredibly special person who couldn't possibly love her children more - this blog is written proof of that. its all about surviving girl! smile :)

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  3. Hugs to you, friend!! Know that your friends believe in you and love you just the way you are! :)

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  4. Sweet girl is there nothing they can do -besides drugs-to help you?

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  5. oh, I am sorry. My husband is dealing with severe back pain and all he does is go to work, come home and take a slew of pain pills and then lie in bed. It's hard for me to watch him, I cannot imagine having to deal with it. Have you tried getting a cortizone injection?
    Remember, we can't always be who we want to be, but you are still the same person, just struggling a bit right now. You can only do what you can do right now and you have to make peace with that for now. This is not forever.
    By the way... thank you so much for the wonderful flowers! I totally forgot I had them until I cleaned a pile off my desk. lol I really appreciate them (and you)!

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  6. Your journaling brought tears to my eyes. I think what you are able to accomplish with this chronic pain is amazing. Don't short yourself...YOU still Are Superwoman!

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  7. I can so relate. I've lived w Chronic back pain for over ten years accompanied w severe migraines, I'm unable to take pain pills so have to ride thru it, which is pretty intense at times.
    I understand your feelings and remember this will pass, and then u will feel more like your old self. U r a real inspiration!! Sometimes when I'm in the worst of the pain I'm unable too have Hope!

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  8. So sorry to hear you are hurting. I've had severe back pain several times throughout my life and the only thing that helped me was a chiropractor. I'm sure you have probably tried that already but just in case you haven't I would certainly recommend it. I know a great one in Richwood, Ohio- Dr. Dean Gray, it may be quite a drive for you though. Regardless hope you feel like yourself again real soon!

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  9. tania ~ i cannot relate. :(
    it must be so hard to deal with something that is so unpleasant, and so ever-present.
    it's wonderful to me that you have such a huge capacity for love and for self-expression through art & word. your spirit comes through in your image & colour choices, your bold & bright pages, and your passion for sharing your multitudinous ideas.
    rock on, girl.
    even when you're feeling low... :)

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  10. Don't be sho hard on yourself---LOOK on the bright side and SEE the things you Can do

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  11. I thought you were talking about me :) At least you are able to do a whole lot more than me and you have a wonderful, understanding, loving, kind, and gentle family and friends.
    I was like Raechelle's husband..I remember those days so well. I had a fusion done. If you ever get one..still be very careful of lifting, twisting, bending, carrying and because of the work I did, I brought on the old back pain problems but thank God it isn't like it was but some days it is. I had to learn to appreciate what I can do and the Dr. said no vacuuming..now there is a blessing ;)and I had to learn to accept where I am in life. I hope you fine relief soon and continue to express yourself here..you got friends here who care about you. {{{{HUGS}}}}

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  12. You are an awesome, amazing, and inspiring woman. I would be laid up not doing ANYTHING! Everyday I wake up and aspire to be a better person and to do more because of you and your drive for life. I pray for relief for you everyday girl. God truly doesn't give you anything you can't handle. Hang in there T. :)

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