i decided that i'm a freak of nature....

and i'm quite tired of being the let's wait an see approach to medicine.

and gosh, i hate to hear myself talk lately.

i'm on day 11 of a continual headache. can you see why? *hint* look at my eyes.

new symptoms keep showing themselves, and i'm confident before long i'll have a true diagnosis. i'm learning huge lessons in trust and patience. my doctors have said that it's quite obvious that there's something systemic going on with me, they just can't place their finger on it yet.

it's hard not to get frustrated. most days, i hold it together. some days, i melt into a puddle of tears. you'll understand why by the end of this post.

i mentioned on monday about spending time at the eye doctor, then being sent to a specialist and leaving his office 4 hours later with a hopeful "let's wait and see i think it will resolve on it's own--call me in a week" plan of attack. okay, whatever, i'm annoyed, but can deal for a week.

well, then tuesday at work, the headache became remarkably worse and every time i bent over or stood up, i felt this headrush that made my head feel like it was going to burst, followed by instantaneous blurry vision that lingered. up until then the blurry and double would fade in and out. so i called his office again and left a message for the nurse.

at 9pm i get a call saying come back in tomorrow for an appointment. that appointment was yesterday. and after another 3 hours at his office he says, i know a whole lot about eyes, but not a whole lot about headaches in relation to the eyes so i'm referring you out to another specialist.

oh joy.
so on wednesday morning i get to see an Neurologist.

in the meantime, here's what's happening to my eyes. you'll just have to excuse the unkempt eyebrows and no makeup because that's the last thing on my mind right now.

looking at a diagonal to my right...right eye won't abduct (move away from midline). *yes, i know left from right...remember a camera mirrors the image.*

looking straight up...right eye stays adducted.
looking down....right eye still adducted.
looking to my left.......right eye adducts perfectly, LOL. maybe i should just go around looking to my left all day. hahahaa. actually, it hurts to look this way even though it looks normal. major straining sensation in my right temple.
and this is now the scary part for me. looking to my right, i have no control over the muscles of my right eyelid. the right eye will not abduct & my eyelid immediately drops & flutters. and stays closed as long as i'm trying to look to the right.

then, i get a massive gripping headache and feel exhausted.

oh, and if i look to the right for more than five seconds, i lose control of the ability to keep open my left eyelid too. if i force the eyelid open during this time the eye is obviously not even attempting to look to the far right.
now that you've tried to look every which way while reading this and i have your eyes all watery just thinking about it i wish you a pain-free day free of visual disturbances!

seriously, now. don't take those eyes for granted, ya hear me?

now i'm off to countdown the hours until i get to go see the next specialist and drop another wad of cash down for the copay. i'm going broke. $100 just in the past week. *sigh* copays suck.

happy thoughts tania.....happy thoughts. i try. i really do try.

give me something to laugh about would ya? down there in the comments. please. i love to hear from each and every one of you. xoxo, tania