on those tough mommy moments...

yesterday, i got a compliment on how well i share the honest truth here on the blog. and while i appreciated the compliment and boost in my self-esteem, it also gave me pangs inside--just a little bit.

pangs because i know how much i hold in confidence. how much of my life i don't share. blogs are kinda funny that way. they have quite the ability to distort the reader's perception based on what the author shares.

the majority of my entries are used to tout the girls' latest accomplishments, or show off some new scrapbooking products, share a recipe or two. but what i don't do very often is share my own personal struggles. the trials that have a grip on me. the battles in my mind. the insecurities. how alone i feel. i can so relate to tara's honesty in her blog post recently.

i can especially relate to these comments she made:
"I am an open book. In person, I have no problem sharing personal anecdotes even with a stranger.. I don’t take myself very seriously. I rarely get embarrassed. I have nothing to hide. I operate below the surface, meaning I don’t want to bother with small talk. I want to dig in and talk about THINGS. Too Much Information? Never. Not with me. I want to really know the people that come into my life."

and....
"I have always tragically walked the line of being extremely confident in who I am, to doubting every single little thing I have ever thought."

and....
"I think I do have a pretty fantastic life. But I also have a lot of suffering, I have a lot of bad days, I constantly make mistakes, I am totally a jerk to people sometimes..."

anywho. her post really resonates with me.

i try to keep positive and live by the motto "whatever you do, do it with joy" but it takes a massive conscientious effort on my part.

dang, is it ever hard.
i mean really hard.

i know now, after having been through counseling, that i have a distorted perception of life. i'm not a glass is overflowing, kinda girl. not even a glass is half-full. my brain just wasn't wired that way. i easily get distracted and discouraged. depressed. struggle to find the silver lining or see the sun shining. nothing really overly excites me.

while i'm here and working on being more transparent you should know.......today sucked bad.

and while it might look like just a few little snags in a normal day for us, those few little snags have totally thrown me for a loop. like put me in a funk like no other.

Ashlyn had a major sensory meltdown this morning over a lost notebook---a freakin' notebook. she cried for 30 minutes solid because she found her bookbag wide open and empty. she was sure that doug took out her notebook and didn't put it back.

after several attempts trying to calm her down and let her know that it's just a notebook and nothing to cry about, i had to walk away and ignore her. during a meltdown, there is not rationalizing with her.

come to discover, it was in her bookbag the whole time. ohmyword. seriously?

my morning went downhill from there. after that:

1. i discovered brakes aren't function in my car
2. had to break it to ashlyn that she wasn't going to school, which brought on another meltdown
3. then 20 minutes later tell her to get her act together because doug was bringing home the car.
4. then had to drive 30 miles north while listening to emma whine the whole time that her tummy hurt. i just tuned it out, or tried anyway.
5. unfamiliar nurse at the allergist so emma was apprehensive, then had to wait 30 minutes with no suitable distractions for emma, she was bored out of her mind.
6. called daycare to tell them she'd be there for lunch.
7. only to get to daycare and find lunch cleaned up and get an attitude from the lunch lady that we're late. the office didn't tell her we were coming. so, i apologized all over myself for something i didn't even do wrong.

i left there feeling like i committed a crime. why do i feel this way? i have no clue. but i feel this way often even when i know i've done all i can do to make things right.

i certainly didn’t win any awesome, patient, long-suffering mommy awards this morning. *heavy sigh* i'm sure ashlyn went to school thankful she didn't have to spend the day at home with her grouchy momma.

i try so hard and feel like I do nothing but fail and fall short all the time.

but anyway, today, i’m trying super hard to keep smilin’. while gritting my teeth in the process.

i'm beyond frustrated and annoyed.
my eyes are still jacked up.
day 12 of my headache is worse---obviously due to the stress of the morning.

so, there you have it. i have tough mommy moments. wayyy more often than i'd like to confess to. most times i bounce back and keep on plugging along.

but today, not so much.

i'm off shortly to cardiac rehab with TEAM Fitness---something i have yet to talk about here. i will soon though.

in the meantime...tell me, how do you get through those hard parenting moments? i know ya'll have them too.