things aren't perfect....

and they are almost never what they seem. am i right?

i have to remind myself of that often. do you?

*i'm imagining you all nodding your head yes right now. :)*

you see....my blog is a place where i can share and inspire and paint a (mostly) happy picture of what goes on in my crazy-busy chaotic life. where i try to find the positive in every situation. i love that part of blogging. that's why we all read blogs right? to be inspired.

that's why i hop around, anyway, to look & read & be inspired--gives me time to escape my reality for a while.

but, lately, i've been feeling like something's missing in my blog readings. i find myself wondering what life is really like for all these women who seem to have achieved perfection in everything they do. i'm craving for people to be more raw and transparent. and am reminded that i promised to do the same just a year ago.

since i don't keep a hand-written journal, blogging is my way of recording life for my children. and i feel like i'd be doing my girls a disservice to not share the hard stuff.

so today, i'm gonna practice some transparency. are you ready for this?

lately, there's something at war inside of me. something that i keep stuffing down. i know everyone struggles with something...but no one ever talks about it. why is that?

when i don't read (or hear) about anyone struggling i get this distorted perception and feel like maybe i'm the only one--even though i know the truth. but, somehow not being able to relate makes me struggle even more. it's a vicious circle, ya know.

i find myself playing victim to the chaos that surrounds me--the hand of cards that i've been dealt. oh how easy it is to play victim. am i right?

thinking things like...

it's not fair to have medically fragile children.

it's not fair that i have to live in this kind of pain every day with my back.

it's not fair that......(fill in the blank)

when those thoughts start going through my head that's when i know i'm in over my head and i better hold on for the emotional ride that's to follow.

i'm old enough to know that life just isn't fair. and i'm also wise enough to know that the circumstances we deal with could be SO much worse than they are. i try my absolute hardest to turn every negative into a positive---those who have read here for any length of time know that.

i also try not to let on as to how desperately i'm crying "MERCY". (on a daily basis. oy!)

why? i don't really know exactly.

not because i'm trying to hide anything that's for sure. but, maybe just maybe, because no one else ever talks about the hard stuff. i suppose it feels sorta 'taboo'.

but today, i just feel like it needs to be said.

when every little obstacle in front of me seems like a gigantic mountain to overcome, and seems nearly impossible to climb i have to make a conscious effort to remember that everyone struggles. sure it does seem like some struggle more than others.

but i have to admit, i get a little angry and resentful when i have to ask myself "why does no one ever talk about their struggles?"

angry at whom? i don't know. the world, i suppose.

here's my point....twenty-ten was all over the place. there was lots of excitement, but lots of bumps along the way. bumps that feel like they'll never be smoothed out.

ashlyn's anxiety and sensory issues have hit an all-time high. when she was younger her little quirky ways were more easily overlooked and dare i say, some of these quirks were even a little 'cute.'

she was diagnosed with sensory defensiveness at the age of 3 1/2. for those of you not familiar, wikipedia defines sensory defensiveness as:

a condition defined as having "a tendency to react negatively or with alarm to sensory input which is generally considered harmless or non-irritating"

she's intolerant to quite a list of things. some she's become more tolerable to, other's she's learned to remove herself from the intolerant stimuli, and lots of other things she still doesn't know how to handle so she's developed anxiety.

anywho. she's getting older now and the anxiety that has a grip on her is causing an uncomfortable friction in our house. her anxiety makes her moody and irritable. difficult to reason with. difficult to get along with. makes her unable to be in a room by herself. unable to fall asleep in her own bed. and, about twice a week leaves her with debilitating headaches---recently diagnosed as pediatric migraines.

she's starting to realize that something about her is different than her peers.

i'm finding myself thinking....'she is SO not pleasant to be around'--most of the time. i love her, love her, love her, love her.......gosh, she can't even fathom how much i love her. but, i don't always like being around her.

and, i'm just now to a point where i don't feel guilty saying something like that.

for years i've buried guilt over feeling this way, deep inside. it's like the old saying 'hate the sin, not the sinner.' i don't not like her, i just don't like the hold that anxiety has on her life and as a result makes us all on edge and miserable.

i can literally feel a surge of adrenaline rush through my body the second i step out of my car coming home from work and walk into the house.

it's like i don a cloak of stress instantaneously.

add to that the moderately severe daily pain i'm in with my back, of which doctors can't find a suitable way to manage until surgery, and you have one crazy cocktail. :(

last week, i was down to my last nerve and felt all sorts of crazy when the stress of it all seemed to nearly boil over.

i wanted to run away. :(

have you ever felt so beyond stressed that you felt numb? that's how i felt. i've decided that it's a scary way to feel.

the stress of all this has been building and building over the past 6 months and as a result---i call it a survival/defense mechanism---doug and i have been bickering and arguing more than ever.

in reality we aren't fighting with each other, we're just taking out frustrations on each other.

it's mostly me being moody (from all the pain meds) and frustrated (dealing (not so well) with ashlyn).

i'm a problem solver and i don't have the answers to fix it and make it all better. i feel weak and out of control. depression is trying tighten it's grip on me and i'm fighting it harder than ever.

if you haven't guessed by now, i'm scared.

and feeling really vulnerable right now. replaceable even.

here's the truth of it all:

• i love her. (if there was ever a question)
• i want only the best for her.
• every day i walk into my house i want it to feel like my safe place, instead it feels like a warzone. ashlyn's reaction to nearly everything has all of us constantly on edge. we argue. we discipline. we appologize. we overstep boundaries. repeat. repeat. repeat.
  

• i can't say anything to her at all without her irrationally getting upset. this starts from the second she wakes up in the morning.

• i'm finding myself getting impatient with her more often than not. walking away and counting to 10 does not work at all.
• i fear failure in a huge way. and not being able to 'fix' her anxiety makes me feel like a huge failure as a parent. which is just a lie. i know this to be true. but it's a lie that i can't seem to let go of.
  
• my marriage is taking a beating from the constant stress.

• i'm the world's best at beating myself up over every little shortcoming. can you imagine how this feels?
• parenting a special needs child is SO exhausting.....mentally, emotionally & physically.
  

so, obviously i don't have it all figured out.

i putting this out there in hopes that maybe one of my readers has dealt with a child with extreme anxiety &/or a child with sensory defensiveness that might be able to lead me to some information on how to parent a child like this.

because, i feel like i've tried it all.
there is nothing in my house that should feel as threatening as she thinks things are. :(
and i'm struggling....clearly ready to pull my hair out.

(sidenote: she is being evaluated further for the migraines with a CT scan next Wednesday & we have a behavioral health consult in the works too.)

(this post has been edited, only to correctly my typographical errors)